Freaked Banana

2003-11-16T20:41:00.000-08:00

(1) Helga was twelve years old when she last saw her sister Elizabeth who left home for Manila. Her father found out early morning after fishing, and immediately asked for help in finding his daughter. Several relatives agreed to help; Men took two rusting jeeps and went looking around the area, and the women were all inside the house. The children were playing role-play-chase outside, the manang Betings being chased by two boys playing tiong Dado, and once caught they get imprisoned with auntie Adang. Helga was not allowed to join her cousins at play; Instead, she joined the women – mothers and grandmothers, widows and spinsters alike. They were all on their knees, looking up to the image of the Virgin, hands over beads, saying memorized prayers in whispers until the sun set.
(2) That night, Conrado, their father, came home dripping with sweat, weary from searching throughout Pangasinan, La Union, Abra, and the other towns surrounding Candon for his eldest child. He pulled out the white flannel from his back and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Andrea quickly crossed herself and stood up, signaling Helga to do the same, and asked her younger daughter to fetch her father a cold glass of water. Helga ran as quickly as she could to their small kitchen and opened the three-foot tall box refrigerator. She took out a plastic pitcher and poured considerably cold water into a plastic cup when she heard her mother cry. She ran as quickly as she could to the living room again, where she found Andrea hitting Conrado on his chest, pounding hard while shouting and blaming the latter for being so slow and lazy. “You were out-run by your child! How slow could you get?” she screamed. With tears pouring down her skinny cheeks, she continued, “Why, Dado? Why can’t you find your own daughter?”
(3) Conrado tried to control his hysterical wife by grabbing her arms, but she moved so quick that he could not grip well and stop her from hurting him. He caught her elbows, but Andrea was able to get out of his grip and started to pound his chest harder. As she pounded with all her anger, she threw curses at him, “You are a whore’s son! You pushed your own daughter to leave us! You are the son of the devil! You should burn in hell for what has happened to your daughter!” Conrado ran out of patience with Andrea, and he hit her so hard she was thrown on the floor. She looked up at her husband with bleeding lips, and shouted, “Beat me! And I will run to Manila too!”
(4) Helga was not able to move, fearing her mother and her father both for their anger. She stood frozen with the glass of water in her hand. “You are a whore!” Conrado shouted back. “You are a dumb whore who passed stupidity to your daughter!” He raised his eyes from the floor to Helga, and she understood that she must hand the water to her tired father. As he drank, Andrea remained on the floor, crying. When he finished his glass of water, he angrily said, but not shouted, “You put ideas in Beting’s mind. You built her dreams of Manila. You pushed her. I blame you. Helga!”
(5) Helga looked up to her father, “Yes, Tatang?”
(6) “Go and get me the entire pitcher of water.” He sat down on the small bench and picked up his white flannel, “I am tired.” He threw the flanel to Andrea’s face that it made a snap, “Adang, I will go to sleep.”
(7) Helga helped her mother up on the bench inside the living room. she checked the small alarm clock Elizabeth gave her for her birthday – it said nine o’clock. It was already late, and Helga was sleepy. She usually slept on the bench, but since she thought her mother seemed comfortable lying there, she decided to pull out the banig from under the living room table. Manang Beting forgot this, Helga thought, where would she sleep? She checked if the pillows were still there, and pulled one for her mother, and one for herself. She tried to lift Andrea’s head to insert the pillow, but she found that she couldn’t touch her mother. She was afraid that Andrea would go crazy on her again and hit her the way she hit Conrado when she gets out of control. She decided to speak to her mother, “Inang?”
(8) Andrea did not answer; all Helga could hear were her mother’s heavy hiccups and moand. “Inang, I have a pillow here for you, do you want it?”
(9) “No.”
(10) She leaned a little closer to her mother,
(11) “Why? The bench is hard, and if you don’t use a pillow your back will hurt a lot.”
(12) “No.”
(13) ‘Inang – “
(14) “No.”
(15) Helga felt that her mother would not answer her, so she decided to try and sleep. She looked at the alarm clock again, nine fifteen in the night. She remembered that usually, only she and Elizabeth were up at this hour, and she would ask her older sister about high school and the houses downtown Candon. Elizabeth went to Candon City High School, twenty minutes of a jeepney ride from their house in Barrio Tamurong, but more than an hour of walk away. Of course Elizabeth never had to walk to school, because there was always Tiong Badong and Auntie Kasing to drop her at the town proper while on their way to Sto. Domingo to deliver the fish ordered by some of the richer Ilocanos there. Elizabeth had to walk three blocks of residential streets until she reaches the town plaza, which she crosses to get to her school. Helga always loved it when Elizabeth would tell stories about the people who lived in the beautiful houses she passed by everyday on her way to school. One of the owners they baptized as Bangbangsit, the old lady who smelled funny because of all the oils she puts on her skin. Bangbangsit’s house was fairly large and made of wood with capiz windows. Elizabeth told Helga that the house was probably built during the spanish period. “You mean,” helga asked her sister, “the people who owned that house, Bangbangsit’s grand paerents, were rich during the spanish period?”
(16) “Why do you say that?” asked Elizabeth.
(17) “Because they have a house.”
(18) “But we have a house too, but we both know that we are not rich.”
(19) “Her house is at the bayan, manang.” Replied helga. “I heard inang say that she once had a suitor who lived at the bayan, and father asked her why she didn’t marry ‘that rich bastard’.
(20) “SHHH!” Elizabeth immediately reacted, “If Inang or Tatang hears you, they will hit you for sure.”
(21) Andrea was still moaning in a small voice, but Helga could tell she was already asleep. She turned her body away form her mother to face the kitchen. She could not bring herself to sleep because of the unfamiliar sights around her. she was used to staring at the wall beside the bench and the ceiling, or at least the part of the ceiling directly above her. Elizabeth was the one used to sleeping on the floor.
(22) Helga slowly raised her hands up above her head to stretch, and smelled something of the stench of onion leaves. She used her finger to wipe her wet underarm, and smelled her finger – she smelled awful. She forgot to put tawas on her underarms that morning, because Elizabeth always remnded her to use it every morning. It was Elizabeth who actually discovered the smell, and it was a relief to Helga who already knew she smelled awful and that the others called her animal names and didn’t like coming near her. Elizabeth split her tawas crystal in half, and gave half of it to Helga.
(23) The curtain quite moved, but it was not so alarming. Helga smiled and recalled that Elizabeth didn’t like movement of curtais, or anything in particular within her sight while sleeping of trying to sleep. One night Elizabeth was tired from schoolwork and was trying to sleep when Helga was restless because of menstrual cramps. After several tosses and turns, Elizabeth stood up and raised her voice, “What is wrong with you?”
(24) After she found out about young Helga’s problem, though, she smiled and said to her, “You are becoming a lady.”
(25) Helga heard the sound of a very soft knock on the jalousies. She stood up to check the silhouette, and found that it was a man’s. she was frightened, scared of who it might be, The silhouette spoke, however, and a gush of relief and excitement filled Helga when she heard manong Junjun’s voice. Manong Junjun was a high school student at her manang Beting’s school. He was a youth nearly half a foot from five, with sun-damaged skin and short, curly hair. He was Elizabeth’s suitor, the one their father threw out of the house after politely trying to ask permission to court his daughter. How manang liked this boy, she thought. She remembered that once, Elizabeth was not home yet at three, the usual time she arrives. Helga was impatiently waiting for her to arrive, and so she decided to find them. She passed by a small, abandoned area in the neighborhood and found the two there, kissing under a fruit tree. Elizabeth saw her shocked sister and ran after her. When she caught up, she asked Helga to keep it a secret from their parents, because if their father found out, it would mean a beating for Elizabeth. Helga agreed, of course, when Elizabeth agreed to tell her stories of kisses and love.
(26) “Manong Jun?” asked Helga in an almost whispering voice, “Manong is that you?”
(27) “Yes, Helga,” he replied, “Have you heard from your sister?”
(28) “No, manong,” whispered the girl.
(29) “What?” they were speaking through closed jalousies to avoid Andrea from hearing their conversation.
(30) “I said she hasn’t said a word to me since she left last night.”
(31) “Who did she leave with?”
(32) “Nobody, manong.”
(33) “Okay,” answered the young man, “if you hear from her, tell me immediately, okay?”
(34) “Yes manong.”
(35) Elizabeth asked Junjun to join her in her journey to Manila, but Junjun said that they couldn’t possibly leave together, otherwise their fathers would engage in a battle to see who seduced who into eloping, thus Elizabeth left earlier. She and Junjun agreed that he will leave only after she has found a place to stay in Manila. “It would not be hard,” he assured her, “you are a pretty girl and many land ladies will take you in. You can even get a job at a mall as a sales girl, you have the legs for it.”
(36) “Beting, my child.” Murmured Andrea. The woman was dreaming of her daughter who left. She saw Elizabeth in a white linen dress with the pink sash that Andrea wore on her eighteenth birthday. She was on the beach behind their house, walking barefoot, and the sand was unusually free of the washed up sea urchins and hermits. Elizabeth had flowers around her head, and she was walking around a crowd of people. Artemio Gamez was there, smiling in his black tuxedo that he wore on his wedding day, with a flower on his hand. Elizabeth walked towards him with a smile getting more and more radiant as she comes closer and closer to Artemio. He was also smiling, waiting for Elizabeth to take his hand. Andrea could feel the happiness as Elizabeth came closer and closer, and then Conrado appeared and slapped Elizabeth to the ground. Elizabeth looked up, and Andrea saw herself bleeding, and the people disappeared as her feet bled from the stinging sea urchins under her two feet.
(37) “Inang!” shouted Helga, “you’re having a nightmare.”
(38) Andrea stood up and caressed her own arms as tears silently fell down on her face. “I am sorry, Beting, I am sorry.” She cried and embraced her knees, but Helga sat beside her and embraced her mother, comforting the woman who was tired from crying all day.
(39) Early morning found Andrea holding Helga as they slept. Conrado did not wake at one in the morning to start fishing, and he too found mother and daughter in each other’s arms. He saw that no food has been prepared and so he woke Helga up and ordered her to make something for breakfast. Andrea was also awakened, and as soon as she saw Conrado’s face she moved slightly backward. “I need to eat breakfast,” commanded Conrado.
(40) Helga rushed and stood up to fix the banig she left on the floor. Conrado grabbed her hands as she picked it up, “I will do this. You fix the breakfast for me and your mother.”
(41) While Helga was boiling eggs for breakfast, Conrado finished folding the banig and sat beside the frozen Andrea. “Will you not speak with me?”
(42) “She is not here still.”
(43) “Will you ever speak with me?”
(44) “I want to go to Manila. I know she is there.”
(45) “Adang,” said Conrado, “she is old enough.”
(46) “No,” said Andrea, “she is not. She is but a child.”
(47) “A child who knows how to leave in the middle of the night should know how to take care of herself. I am sorry I could not give her back to you.”
(48) “Dado,” she said, “I want to move to Manila too.
(49) He looked at his estranged wife, and then up on the ceiling, “If you want to, go ahead.”

2003-08-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! You're a Bunny Hug!!

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2003-04-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

Me Ultimo Adios ala Red Banana

The time has come to end a chapter, and await the opening of a new one.

High school was not so bad, and as I welcomed it almost four years ago with much enthusiasm, today, I bid it farewell. In high school I met people I intend to take with me to the next chapter, and people I intend to leave behind forever. Not all these people may have come from Quesci, but they came in high school, just the same.

It will be easy to leave the classes behind, but I will always carry the lessons I learned from them. May they be academic or practical, lessons are lessons, and whether I asked for them or not, I learned them all just the same. It will be easy to leave the teachers behind me, and most of my batchmates, even some of my friends. But still, there are a handful who remain my strong points, and I do not wish to carry on without them in the background.

To those I will leave behind forever, I wish you don’t take it personally. I thank you for being in my life for one point in time.

To that one person I will leave behind forever, remember that I loved you once. Maybe I still do, but I just want to wish myself happiness. It’s hard for me to admit it, but you are the key to my happiness. Apparently, the things that I claimed to bring me happiness were nothing compared to the happiness your smile brought me. The scholarship was nothing compared to the times we spent together.

I know we can never bring back the past; I tried, and I failed. What can I say, I hit rock bottom. I know that it will be easy for you to find someone else (you’ve found so many already), and that every girl you hug will bring me to tears. I know that we can never be together the way I used to think we’d be… So, I’m going to leave you behind forever. I wish you happiness, but I wish myself happiness too, so goodbye. For one last time, I’d like to say that I love you so much, and I don’t think I was ever able to tell you that as much as I wanted to. I love you so much that even as I shut you out of my life, I feel the need to tell you just how much I love you.

This will be my last entry in this blog. I shall be opening a new one, maybe in may.

Adios

by the way, this is for YOU.

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

2003-04-01T05:41:00.000-08:00

i believe it is time for me to blog again. forgive me for what i have written.

i hate evenings, as much as i love them. i love them because the damn sun is gone and i can enjoy a "cool" temperature... as much as i love the sun's apparent absence, i despise the evening for what it brings... REALITY. if helga's reality check is when she sees her guy and the mistress (sorry helga, she will forever be the mistress in my beautiful eyes), mine is the evening when i try to think back on my lovely day. it would be nice if i had a lovely day, but i didn't. i haven't had a real lovely day in... WEEKS....

let's see... academically i think i did well, but my parents seem to be disappointed again... SHIT!!! i'm so sick of this! why can't my parents be appreciative of my grades? i do better than most of the creatures they know! but then again, AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

then my love life... oh god, if you'd still call it a love life. crap. YOU!!!!! damn you!!!!! why the hell that creature of all the demons that exist or that does not exist, why the hell would you pick that?!?!?!?! sorry, i'm so pissed, i'm so HURT, and I HATE YOU!!! no, crap... i'm just letting you go. not as if i choose to, but i have to. i gotta spare myself the humiliation... although, in the end, i'll only be humiliated in front of myself.

sorry, don't wanna continue.

2003-03-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today is the eighth of March, year two thousand and three. It is thirty-four minutes past six in the evening, and I have just decided to write about prom night.

The General View

You can't have everything.

In last year's prom, I despised my gown, I despised my hair, I despised my makeup. However, despite my hatred towards my get up, I enjoyed the evening. I danced like crazy, and I was happy. Yes, I was very happy.

This year, I love my dress. In fact, every morning before I dress up for school, I try it on. I love my makeup; I practiced with my new makeup kit. I love my hair… the two gay freaks did quite a good job. I expected to be happy, you know, like last year. Oh well, it sucked. I danced only for a short while then the music stank. My feet were dying to dance, but I just can't feel the friggin songs. I ended up sitting more than half the dancing time.

The Works

The night before the prom, mother and I had a dress rehearsal. Wore the gown, put on makeup, and decided what to do with my hair. I ended up preparing myself for body glitter and stuff… it sure was fun, though.

The next morning, prom day, I woke up at four, then at six, then finally at eight thirty. Weird, I know. So, when mother got here, we went to the parlor to get my nails done. My color… SLUTTY RED. Then when we got back home, I had a home facial. My grandmother then showed me the jewelry I was to wear. Mother warned me that the jewelry were for goddesses only. She was right. The necklace was of pure gold with a heavy pendant of gold and some really heavy red stone. The ring had many red stones too, in between gold stuff. Yes, it was heavy too. How sad, though, grandmother couldn't find the matching earings. So, after I took a bath, mother and I went around to find the right pair of earings. When we couldn't find any, she dropped me off at Kaye's (Kaye is the gay son of one of the family's friends) and had my hair done.

My hair was put in a simple (yeah, right) twist with fallen curls in front. To achieve those fallen curls, they had to use a curling iron (a mini one). It was so hot, and at times, it touched my cheeks. Why? Because the one who curled them, Kaye's assistant, had shaking hands. It wasn't just minor shaking; it was like a vibrator with new batteries.

Eventually mother came, and apparently, she got my earings from SM centerpoint. A small version of my pendant, perfect indeed. We went home, and I wore my dress. She then put makeup on me, and an hour and a half or so later, we were off.

First stop at the studio, I had several pictures of me taken. By then, it was five in the afternoon, and I was in no rush to get to the venue, despite the fact that we were supposed to be there by five. I insisted that mother slowed down, drive as if we have all the time in the world. When we got there, I asked to stay in the car first, because as I said, I was in no hurry. When I finally had the courage to get out, I asked mom to stay with me until someone tolerable comes by.

Mom and I stayed, until tita Mila and Ali came. We stayed together, and our mothers bonded. I saw Girl; her dress has improved, but her hair sucks. I don't think she had it fixed at all, in fact I doubt if she did anything to herself at all. Her hair was… was… either the same as her everyday hair or worse.

Eventually we went down and saw people. I saw people I wanted to see, people I didn't want to see and people I wanted to kill. The people I didn't want anything at all from were not seen, since they don't exist in my world anyway.

When all of my friends were with me, we decided to have our pictures taken. When I went out the door, I saw Squishy. He saw me, because he gave me a 'is that really you' look. I, in turn, gave him a 'so what the hell are you looking at-close ba tayo' look and went on my way. Through out the night, we pretended each other's existence void.

Dinner

They all gave us stubs with colors; I got black. For dinner, I had everything. Pasta Carbonara, breaded fish fillet (which Samantha despised), chicken pastel (the chicken was tender) and beef stroganoff (which Samantha also despised). I had salad too, lettuce, pineapples, bacon bits, Thousand Island dressing, and macaroni salad. For dessert, I had buko pandan jelly. Mother makes better buko pandan jelly, I swear. For drinks, they were all nice enough to serve water before dinner, and they served juice (Sunny Orange Juice, I believe, because it had that… aftertaste), which had refills. Interesting.

Cotillion

I was ordered photographer by Helga. Yes, I took pictures, but Icey looked so good that I think I got carried away. The junior guys SUCKED. The girls were tolerable, but seniors RULE!!!

Dirty

The first three songs played when the dance floor was finally opened were performed by the quartet hired. IOW, all slow songs. Randall was my first dance; he was so sweet. I guess he needed to talk to me so bad… I did help him a little, I think. After that, they started the fast songs. My brief stay on the dance floor can only be described as dirty. Everyone was doing dirty stuff.

At one point in time the girls had sore feet, so we all took off our shoes and put them in the middle as we danced. Shortly after that, dearest and I wore them back again. It was the right decision since a few minutes later a train of guys passed through the middle and scattered the shoes.

Eventually I decided to sit down, due to lack of what I call danceablity in the songs they played. Never did I dance again.

Of course, despite my absence on the dance floor, the dirty stuff never ceased.

Chained

I chained myself on my chair, beside Helga who was habitually scanning the room for Cider. She pointed out that every time she scanned for him, she saw Squishy instead. It wasn't so bad, anyway, since Cider was usually with Squishy… on the dance floor, holding waists and all… how gay.

I almost secured my whole evening chained on that chair. Too bad I had to see Squishy and someone else again. The sight of Someone Else disturbed me so. How can it be, that after all this time, and after everything I've been through, I'm still hurting over me? It hurts to think that one person caused me to hurt me, and that very person blames me for hurting me. Such a fucked up world.

After the prom king (the cute Jeff Agudelo) and queen (the ever so surprising Meryll Macoy) were chosen, the prom ended (in such a corny way, as Helga said). We had pictures taken (again). First with M6 and all, and eventually, as I promised, to my dear friend Riq. Now why can't we all be as sweet and loyal as Riq? I wish to stress that statement, since I believe I shall be using it again.

The Fantastic Four

Dearest, Edith, Samantha & I had a sleepover planned. When the prom was over, we waited upstairs for our ride. He didn't come until a little past twelve midnight. Dearest asked him to pass us by 7 11 to get food and drinks. We got three bags of chips, a bottle of sprite, half a gallon of ice cream and two flavors of vodka (lemon & cranberry).

At Dearest's, we took a bath, and prepared our session. Samantha got us a bottle of Pomelo gin earlier, which, as it turns out, none of us but Samantha likes. I had some, but I preferred to do the vodka (especially lemon). After a while, Edith started laughing and laughing and being so like that girl with glasses in YUA… I swear, she did this thing with her hair, and I saw the anime to life. Dearest also started laughing a lot, and being so noisy. Samantha was extra drowsy, she slept earliest. I, on the other hand, laughed uncontrollably. I couldn't believe I was laughing that hard. I guess we (three of us, spare Samantha) all experienced the same thing: we acted weird, and we were perfectly aware of how we were acting but we couldn't control ourselves. The following observations led me to the conclusion that a moderate drink of vodka causes uncontrollable actions with conscious mindset.

When only half the tall glass of vodka was left, we (three of us spare Samantha who fell asleep, literally)decided to play tong its. The punishment for the loser was to drink the remaining Vodka. Dearest insisted that we divide the vodka so we can still have several games. At this point, I was sleepy too, but I played on. We had three games, and I won all three. However, I ended up drinking most of the vodka in one gulp. Dearest lost first and took a sip, then Edith lost next and took another sip. During the last game, I think dearest lost again, but she said she was too tired and she couldn't drink the remaining one-third glass up. What was I to do, sleep and wait till Dearest's aunt discovers the vodka? I gobbled it up and went to sleep. It was then four in the morning, today, eighth of March, year two thousand and three.

Cock-a doodle-doo

I was the first to rise in the household at eight. Edith followed at eight thirty, Samantha nearing nine, and dearest nearing ten, I think. For breakfast, we ate the remaining ice cream, chips and sprite. Dearest didn't get to eat breakfast, she was sleeping. I watched Finding Forrester on HBO while they started to bathe. I was the last one because I finished the lovely movie.

Dearest's aunt asked me if we drank last night, I gave her a shy laugh. What a moment.

We went to SM, ate at Tokyo Tokyo. Samantha ordered a side dish of Kani Crab Sushi. The mere smell killed her, poor girl. Then, we watched Maid in Manhattan. Cute, but I think J. Lo wasn't good enough for Ralph Fiennes. By the way, do you know that J. Lo is one of the fakest Lopezes alive? Lopez is not like people pronounce it, but . The Spanish 'O' is a short 'o', not a long one. She brings insult to the surname.

Went home, the end of my prom.

It is now twenty-eight minutes past eight in the evening, still on the same day.

Words of Wishdom

Never, and I mean never, will I ever let myself go through what I went through with Someone Else again. I admit it hurts to remember him then, but even worse to remember me then. Until now, his identity is concealed, and I intend it to remain that way forever. Since, you know, no one actually expects him to be who he is.

I have discovered a liking to vodka, and since I know where to find it, I intend to consume as much of it as possible.

Loving me….

2:12 PM 3/9/03

in other news, nah, i have no other news.

these are for helga

grrr...

Buffy. You're the slayer- you kick ass.
Literally. A mercurial whirlwind of brute
strength and fragile feelings, you're deathly
loyal to your freinds and family. You have a
tendancy towards the ditzy, but can be counted
on when you're needed.

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okay... PLEASE DISGUST ME EVEN MORE! KILL ME NOW, I BEG YOU! NO MORE TORTURE! I'D RATHER BE A ROCK! except for the kissing ANGEL and having sex with him and all... that part i'm okay with...

You're average! - It's not a bad thing, nor a good
thing. You're right in the middle. Oh well. You
could've done worse.

What's your school label?
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You are the Marquis Da Sade. Even stripped of
exaggerations, Your real life was as dramatic
and as tragic as a cautionary tale. Born to an
ancient and noble house, you were married
(against your wishes) to a middle-class heiress
for money, caused scandals with prostitutes and
with your sister-in-law, thus enraging your
mother-in-law, who had you imprisoned under a
lettre de cachet for 14 years until the
Revolution freed you. Amphibian, protean,
charming, you became a Revolutionary,
miraculously escaping the guillotine during the
Terror, only to be arrested later for
publishing your erotic novels. You spent your
final 12 years in the insane asylum at
Charenton, where you caused another scandal by
directing plays using inmates and professional
actors. You died there in 1814, virtually in
the arms of your teenage mistress.
You are a revolutionary deviant. I applaud you.

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
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interesting.

obsessive compulsive

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i can't believe it... THIS IS SO RIGHT!

""Which cocktail are you?""
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what the...?! right... and i'm the queen of borabora.

2003-03-08T02:47:00.000-08:00

You are oregano. You have a robust flavor, and you
are popular in Italy, Mexico, and Greece.

Which herb are you?
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7:45 PM 3/6/03

today was today, econ was econ. math was mathematical. english was nonexistent. physics was still boring, and pinoy was ridiculous.

my life in quesci... whatever happened to it?
i spent my freshman year pouring out emotions, sophomore year in the music room, junior year with...... them....... and senior year... damn, i'm just spent.

YOU ARE CATNIP

What herb are you?
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do you do catnip? i most certainly do not....

7:52 PM 3/6/03

tomorrow will be prom day... what's with prom anyway?! goodness... madame xyz started picking on us, her students, again...

what am i to say? ummm... for helga's sake, i have been seeing cider in sm for the last how many days... grrr.... if only he were someone i could find pleasure in seeing.... sorry, helgs...

paid downpayment for samantha's souveneirs. i'm still trying to find ways to make the debut perfect.

urgh... mother is so... urgh. i'm pissed off...

2003-03-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

10:02 PM 3/1/03

sort of woke up before 6, formally woke up by 6. mosther asked me to wake up so i can break fast with the family and see my brother off for his second screening exam in qcs...

after they left, i went back to bed and woke up at 8, when i was supposed to be up by 730... i took a bath, got semi-dressed, checked my mails, played with my nephew, and left the house. i honestly thought i'd be late.

rode lrt-mrt... so many people! but i felt like i went on a tour... i went here and there, from tondo, to binondo, to the rest of manila, then to pasay, to makati, and to pasig... meanwhile, while i was inside the lrt, i pictured myself doing this everysingle day... for college...

Your prom date is Joaquin Phoenix! Yum!
You're lucky. Your boy is quiet and laid-back, some
people take that as sullen.
He's sweet as pie to you and that's why you love
him. He's not comfortable unless he's chilling
with you so you're pretty much together always.
Your friends are his friends and his friends are
your friends, it's nice, it's casual.

Who's Your Celebrity Prom Date?
brought to you by Quizilla

got to gale, samantha wasn't there yet. i waited in auntie anne's. there was this group of annoying boys a table away, and i swear... such an annoying voice. by 1030 samantha came, and we were off to find her debut gown and prom dress... we combed through galeria, and found nothing. then we decided to go to mega mall... we didn't take samantha's fx anymore... then we combed through mega mall, which is not an easy thing to do, mind you... all stored from a to b, including the dept store... no luck at all...

J.Crew

Where should you be shopping?
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so we decided to go to divisoria, tutuban mall to be precise. we walked back to gale, ate lunch, and got on the fx. by 230 we were in tutuban. we combed through tutuban and found both prom and debut gown. i got to exercise my tawad skills.... we even got her accessories.... too bad i had to go, we could have gotten other debut stuff too...

XOXO best describes your style!

You are very stylish yet on a budget. You're style
is always updated. You shop for what's in
fashion. Your friends adore your sense of
style. You like skirts and high heels.

What Shopping Bag Are You? (for the ladies)
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samantha dropped me off at sierra, because i had to go to church by 6... finally saw my cuzns' pics... they're all so... i guess they find life in michigan very... easy... their physical change in body structure show how much...

helga's going to the prom!!! and don't you just love her new layout? loving it so...

my allergy is killing me... my legs were itching and burning all day!!! until now!!! i curse that day, when i ate those.... urgh!!!

tell me... who the hell is this?

you're the historical prom beauty...you're totally
rockin' the puffy-sleeved, empire-wated dress.
you're totally prepared to bust out a love
sonnet to woo your prom date. too bad he's
dressed in tights...kinda ruins in the mood.

what's your prom personality?
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2003-02-28T03:54:00.000-08:00
7:05 PM 2/28/03

went to school wearing sunglasses... as much as possible, i wouldn't want to show the world my beautiful eyes yet.
according to barbie who probably failed to visit here again, my eyes were quite normal, but still a teensy weensy bit swollen. wore my shades.
for breakfast, i decided to leave them. then during the batch picture taking, madame xyz noticed that my eyes were a lot smaller than usual. in her exact words, ba't wala kang mata? guhit lang o...

had the damn pictures taken, and i think i lost a skin shade... damn.

dearest and i, along with the whole group of people who met dec 22 face yet another issue to fuzz about... damn her...

uozomi passed masci. grandslam for both of us...

i didn't notice how crucial attention is in every relationship... dearest was ranting about attention earlier, and i guess i have some things to say too, but then again... yes, i admit i'm a little hurt... but... urgh.

mother announced earlier that she resigned as a full time worker. iow, she is now a full time house wife again... IOW, whenever i get home, i will see her. damn. don't get me wrong, i love my mother so much and all... but keep in mind that DISTANCE is necessary in all relationships... i can't imagine how my college life will be... shall i become someone who dreads going home? again, i feel so Anywhere But Here...

why is letting go so damn hard? as in, it's so....

saw a movie with dit and dearest... they will roast me alive if i write what movie, but just let your imagination run wild... and besides, if you're reading this, then you probably know me, and you prbably have an idea what friggin movie we saw...

i'll stop here, but first,

This Is Me...

You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower
of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE
to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat
fear in your readers. You love to poke their
brains with logic dealing with the darker side
of the human mind and character. Truly
surprising and a true individual, you'll do
ANYTHING to create a scene. :)

What's YOUR Writing Style?
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Prep

What Genre Of People Are You?
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2003-02-27T01:13:00.000-08:00
haaayyy...

i didn't go to school today. why? read this... nakakatamad e...

barbie, wish ko lang napuntahan mo na 2...

2003-02-24T05:03:00.000-08:00
this is supposed to be me...

You're a Crusader
By focusing on what others need, you learn the exact value and potential of each person in different situations. You instinctively know how motivated others are in supporting you. This helps you surround yourself with the right people.

The passionate you believes in yourself and others. You actively listen and give diplomatic feedback. With astonishing empathy, you see others' dreams. Magically, your strong belief makes wishes come true.

The centered you knows how to play and create passion. You have the inner strength to eliminate situations that make you too serious. When all is quiet within, you understand what you really enjoy doing.

The emotional you is highly logical. Facts come before feelings. You disregard emotions in order to get a more precise view of the people and situations around you. Your methodical personality is calming.

is my boredom getting to you?

haaay... i have to make certain arrangements so i can secure my graduation... haaay...

i'm getting so sick of Vina Morales, aren't you? she's everywhere... she actually sang the new PBA song... it was so disgusting. she also has a new soap... okay, she can't act--that was proven years ago. and of course, she sang the soap's theme song...

only in the philippines can you see talentless creeps become award winning actresses, record selling singers and critically acclaimed announcers/hosts... maybe it's just me, but do you think ara mina can act? is sharon cuneta your idea of a golden voice? can you appreciate her efforts as a host for her own hour long show? this is bullshit... at least it proves that money can get you anywhere...

i found out today from Barbie that it was her birthday last saturday... i feel so bad that i wasn't able to greet her, and that i didn't know it was her birthday... what a classmate, eh? and she said she had a lousy time at home, damn... people don't deserve sad birthdays... i cried on my own birthday, just as i was ending the damn day... i was hurt, really hurt. two of the most important people in my life the forgot about me... no, one just didn't care, and the other one forrgot. such a shame... they were the two people i thought i could lean on during that time... how sad... i therefore conclude that people shouldn't have bad birthdays.

oooh... in the same manner, with my favorite dolls as my witnesses, i shall never cry sad tears on my birthday ever again!!! (fade lights, fade theme song)

anyway, i already have a gift for barbie, but of course i won't share it here because i asked barbie to visit this blog... para may bagong audience naman ako... yes dear, ikaw si barbie... cute noh? figure out mo na ba kung bakit? kung hindi, wala na ko magagawa... nyaknyaknyaknyak... by the way, you can use my gift to kill your housemates... if you use them all at once... i'll give you enough... oooh, inspiration for the perfect crime genre story!!! good one, barbie...

i might not be able to play badminton with father tomorrow, he has band practice... and i doubt if dearest and i could find a place where we can play with casper... oh well...

took several quizzes... out of boredom...

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
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Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

pure

What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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tomorrow, since i'm not in the mood to go out unless i can play badminton, i guess i can finish all my Creative stuff... i'm through with love story and crime of passion... i'm still deciding whether to drop comedy of scifi/fantasy... comedy is not such an easy genre... but i'll try both anyway, and i just pick the best between them all...

came home to find fatass here, doing emails... she force fed me champorado. she still eats it like a freak of nature child...

mother bought this chinese charm that served as a home for ancestors... fatass saw it and she was freaked out... mumultuhin daw kami... but mother has every right to hang her charms... as long as she doesn't touch my stuff...

don't have anything else to say, except this love portion sucks...

bye!

2003-02-21T14:26:00.000-08:00
7:03 PM 2/21/03

ni hao!

tuesday... was tuesday. nothing interesting happened at all!

wednesday...was yet another plain wednesday.

they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
with a pink hotel, a botique, and a swingin' hot spot
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

thursday... remember how i said that everything seems to happen to me on a thursday? well... yesterday was yet another amazing thursday in my life.

i went to my dlsu sfa interview... i went with mother. i was scheduled for 1045 am, but mother and i were there by twn sharp. we sat by the football field... the tambayan there. mom and i watched the dlsu students pass us by. she started saying stuff like, if you go here you have to be prepared for the lifestyle you have to refuse... ekek. i was feeling sort of nervous, and i was trying hard to cover it all up by being jessica zafra-like. so everytime mother would say something about dlsu/my future in dlsu i'd say, sige na, tama na nga, UP na! nagsasayang tayo ng oras e... glad to say that shut her up.

at 1030 sharp, i entered the sfa office. there, they directed me to the office of the dean of college of science. they even gave me a map... i may be able to use that in time... so i got there, i left my mom outside the room where the offices of several deans were. mother stayed outside, probably singing the rosary. haaaay, red banana, Zhu ni hao yun!

so i went inside the room, where i met several assistants to the deans. the secretary told me to wait there, because this girl was being interviewed at the moment. i sat there, and there was this girl in a blue jumper-uniform. i thought she was going to be interviewed forst before me. for ten to fifteen minutes, we sat there, and i could hear the dean a little while he was doing his interview. it seemed like they were having a discussion about the interviewee's future ekek. so anyway, when she went out, i found out that the girl in the blue uniform was her companion. so i was up.

they took all the trees, and put em in a tree museum
and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them
no, no, no
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

i went inside the dean's room, and he asked me to sit down. the questions were quite simple, although he warned me that i may find them sensitive... i didn't. he asked this and that, why i chose BACHELOR OF SCIENCE IN APPLIED PHYSICS MAJOR IN MEDICAL APPLICATIONS over my courses in UP at admu... ekek...

hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT
i don't care about spots on my apples
leave me the birds and the bees
please
don't it alwatys seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
hey no, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
why not?

anyway, i think it ended well... he said that i would probably get the full scholarship... he said i should keep my fingers crossed and pray hard... if i don't get full, i'll get 75%.... life is so good...

listen late last night, i heard the screen door slam
and a big yellow taxi took my girl away
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
the paved paradise and put up a parking lot
well, don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise to put up a parking lot
why not?
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
hey hey hey
paved paradise and put up a parking lot

today i realized how much i'll miss qsci... high school, actually. i was leaning on the corridor fence(?) this afternoon. the boys were playing football downstairs, and the girls were busy drawing on the table. how i'll miss these sort of afternoons, when everyone is finding a way to have fun... haaay...

i don't wanna give it
why you wanna give it
why you wanna giving it all away
hey hey hey
now you wanna give it
i should wanna give it
now you wanna giving it all away
hey paved paradise to put up a parking lot

2003-02-18T02:15:00.000-08:00
just got home from school... went to baguio last weekend... i hate biking...

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

LINUS?!?!?!

2003-02-14T04:51:00.000-08:00
ya lyublyu tebya!

... that's what i put in squishy's valentine's card... forget humility, I"M BRILLIANT!

i made little bags for the chocolates, so no one could easily compare them with each other... come to think of it, it would have been easy to compare how much you got against the others, but what can i say... anyway, i wrote vday messages to each of them, all in different languages. that way, no one can notice that i wrote something on squishy's card... at least i know i already told him, and now i can move on...

watched a movie with two friends, both of whome are dateless... two weeks notice... fun movie... i really enjoyed it... made me happy despite the fact that i'm all alone this vday...

i'm going to baguio tomorrow!!! i was able to reschedule my stufap interview for friday... mwekhekhek... gotta pack my bags...

about him, he's ok, we're ok... the farther the better... no, not that i hate him so... no, actually i do, he left me. he insists i left him, but he left me. oh well, i hope he's happy...

2003-02-12T03:44:00.000-08:00
eloie!
mwekhekhekhek...

in loving news... I PASSED THE UPCAT!!! and now i'm torn between dlsu and up... i've just decided not to get any more poinions about it, they just frustrate me.

urgh... you know that i have nothing at all to look forward to in my high school life save the graduation?! i missed so many things in the past... because of senior life... and now, i'm going to miss the big baguio thing with my family because i have an interview with dlsu stufap... oh well, at least it's for dlsu. besides, if i'm lucky, i can re-schedule.

squishy passed ust-medtech. well... i do not like ust, but if he'll go there, it would mean that... urgh. at least, i can move on better without the sight of him...

right now life seems so slump... but since the up results came, my parents allowed me to go on the sleepover on prom night. YIPPEEE!!! YAHOO!!! WEEE!!!

dearest has a new prospect... and believe it or not, kasundo ko yung guy... amazing, since her last two bfs were monsters...

i'll be leaving soon... last na lang... my dad's so happy. because of the up diliman thing... he's so happy he could cry... he's so damn proud because in my generation in the family, i'm the first to pass up... in fact he was the last one in the family to get into up... he was so... happy. for once, i did something that was soooo for him. oh well...

now i can get knocked up. MWAHAHAHA!!!

2003-02-03T01:46:00.000-08:00
jealous of the girl who caught your eye
one of my darker days
when you looked at her where was i?
shoulda been in her place
Here I am
All alone imagining what could have been
If I had been there

lately i've been playing badminton nonstop... Jaws is a good opponent, it's also become our bonding time... today several others joined us... dwarf, lady lee, iron59, tottie, howler, ehfcee, pooh, farter and mojacko... helga was there but she didn't play.

You know I'd fight the good fight
If I thought I'd change your mind
But if she makes you happy
I would leave that dream behind
Man, she better treat you right
And give you everything
Cause at the moment she doesn't
I'll be waiting in the wings

squishy and i are okay... this morning we checked english papers. our teacher personally gave the test papers to their respective correctors. by then i was seated next to Jaws, you know... bonding time. squishy and iceageman were behind me. i heard squishy say ayoko nito, ayoko ng kumbento! baka masunog ako! ayoko ng kumbento! apparently he was trying to get to abbie, but she didn't hear him. iceageman, who was beside him, heard his boisterous comment. iceageman offered to trade papers to correct, and apparently he accepted. how did i friggin know?!?! he shouted, after one item, weh, si fe, mali... okay... ang kapal ng hinayupak niyang face! i could have killed iceageman... urgh... if only he didn't make this girl so happy, so in love, so pleasant, so new... i could go on and on...

Jealous of the one who'se arms are around you
If she's keeping you satisfied
Jealous of the one who finally found you
Made your sun and your stars collide
La la la la la la la
She's a very very lucky girl
La la la la la la la

jaws has been singing this over and over again today.

2003-01-31T04:12:00.000-08:00
7:18 PM 1/27/03

since you've been gone i've been lonely
longing to be with you only
maybe there still a way i can find you and say
just how i feel

ap, we had a test... quite an easy one for that matter. squishy got a zero. oh well.
research... so many faces i can't quite describe. i'm glad i;m through with it, though. i mean... well... at least i'm 80% sure that i'll be able to graduate head high... and i did work for it... i almost killed myself with the stress... i'm not a freak... i just did what's right... squishy prepared for that stupid community based project, and he didn't have his paper today... poor dear... oh well...

i can't believe that it's over
wish somehow i could have showed you
all that was inside my heart 'stead of playing the games
you might have stayed

math... i kinda find the lesson easy...
english... why couldn't she just let the remaining groups do their art? urgh. sort of ruined my day... had a perfect plan ruined... urgh!!!
physics... i tried to get out to snap myself awake... no water... shit. quite simple lesson, but she's kinda mixed up. i think she had a fight with hubby last night... did you check out her eyes? oooh... glad to get out of it though...

funny just the other night i was thinking
i wonder if you ever think about me
i call you on the phone, there's no answer
oh well, there's still tomorrow
oh well, i'll try again
oh well, maybe just maybe

after lunch my mood was shattered. i really was hoping for that thing... that thing i had in mind... urgh... like a child looking forward to a day at the toy store but ends up at the dentist's... urgh... good thing i don't cry...

oh well, there's still tomorrow
oh well, i'll try again
oh well, maybe just maybe

chem thing sucked. i feel robbed of my time, my precious time... urgh!!!
went to counselling with madame xyz... i'm going in the right direction... but then again, ethics... moral issues... what'd she ever do to you anyway?.... urgh.... kaya mo ba? damn... i could have avoided this if i could you know... god knows i tried... tc knows how much i tried... more than once... urgh!!! this is sooooo..... mind boggling.

gotta write. adieu.

6:48 PM 1/29/03

after two days... just one conclusion: LIFE SUCKS

SPECIAL FEATURE: HOW TO RUIN MY DAY

3. remind me that until now, i stand where i stood when i should have run. remind my ass that my life, in one particular area, hasn't changed. maybe, if you're suicidal, remind me that i might never leave this spot.

2. scrub the following assholes in my face, early in the morning: OBA, Snoregiver, PC (politically correct), ana, corkboard, and the FUO. you can get creative and make them annoy me in the most unique way you can think of.

1. remind me that my parents won't let me sleep over at dearest's with all of m7, you know, my best friends since FRESHMAN YEAR, on prom night.

i cried early today, after so long and after so many bad news. i dunno... i guess madame xyz was right, i am emotionally stressed. i guess i finally cracked when one of the very few things i actually look forward to was shattered just because they want to be part of everything. if their share of the memory means having the suckiest timeever after the prom, then i guess i don't want the memory at all. i'd rather sleep all night, you know, spare me the jealousy when i think that you're all having a great time together...

5:16 PM 1/30/03

urgh. so pissed... damn pc... what the hell is with this pc anyway?!?! urgh.

i photocopied most of the damn fili thing for pinoy, only to realize when i got my ass home that i don't have my notebook here. damn. shit. urgh!!!!

perios are fun. i'm sssssooooooooo enjoying this... even more than... okay...

i want to go see boyz ii men, but if i'll be there just to reflect on my lonely life... bullshit. got other things to find joy from... oh crap. wala na pala thanks to my parents. urgh!

saw blue lagoon this afternoon. fun movie. no, let me rephrase that, funny movie.

if you don't know yet, blue lagoon is about two kids, Emilaine and Boy (i forgot his damn name). mother and godmother insist that it's a love story. i do not think it so.

Em is on a voyage with Boy and his father, along with a complete crew on a ship going god knows where. the two kids were probably eight then. the ship catches fire, and the kids, together with a big hairy man called Patty (at least it sounded like patty), get on one of the life boats. the captain, along with other adults, and Boy's father, get on a separate one from the opposite side of the ship. then the whole ship burns and fills the area with dark dark smoke. the two boats call for each other but they drifted apart and here begins one of the most hilarious escapades ever.

the three find a suitcase, and eventually find an island. there, Em finds some berries and tries them, but as soon as Patty sees her, he made her spit it out, warning, no, forbidding the two brats from ever eating the damn berries which he labeled sleeping berries. apparently, when you eat them, you fall asleep and never wake up ever again. they also find a skeleton, and a barrel of rum in a nearby freshwater spring. Patty, at the sight of the skeleton, carries the two children away from that part of the island. a few days later, patty sees some flesh and blood on one of the stones. he runs to the house they built and makes the one law in the island: no one is to go to the other side of the island, where the boogieman lived.

sudden side comment apparently, the island has several sides. one can be reached by boat which we shall refer to as Shore, and the rest, from a side which we shall now refer to as Point A, can be reached by foot, including boogieman's lair.

back to the story. they find that living there is nice. they had with them a set of photographs of the life of a man and his wife from courtship to their first child. one day the kids wake up to see that Patty woke up early and went swimming. they searched for him in the Shore. they found him lying on Shore's shore with the rum barrel. they thought he was asleep so they turned him over, only to find a sea bug crawl out of his mouth. they went away and started life anew at Point A. they built a house that looks like one of the modern beach houses and crap. they grow up.

em is now gorgeous, methinks fourteen. she has a perfect body, and perfectly manicured nails despite the fact that they're miles from civilization. boy is now muscular... very muscular, but thin. he wears a man-thong which i know will look much better on Troy Montero who is back in the soap at chanel 2... back to the movie.

they are two fully developed creatures with brains stuck on eight. one might ask, in their semi-naked state, did they ever think of... you know... once or twice they do, but like i said, they're stuck on eight. once you find boy enjoying the butterfly kisses em gives him, and then you find em staring at boy with a.. you know... they fight and fight, and once after coconut shell throwing, from where boy got hit, em is thrown out of the house. that was after one time when em dreamt of various ways of boy's death and woke up screaming scared to death. boy comforts him, and after em hugs him like crazy she kisses him and he discovers it's possible to french kiss. he tries to get it with her but she kicked him away.

while apart, em steps on a fish that almost kills her. boy realizes his mistake and agrees to do whatever em wishes. em believes that the boogieman's lair is not really the boogieman's lair but god's home. oh well... eight. so he takes her there and prays to god to restore her. she is restored, and soon they're running about. finally they fall on the floor and after several attempts of boy to get it on with her, they do it. they enjoy doing it so much they do it whether day or night.

eventually em started throwing up and refusing sex. boy gets pissed because he can't get no sex. (apparently they didn't discover other ways of finding the pleasure). girl says it hurts, and that it's something in her stomach. yes, she's pregnant, but they don't know that... they're eight.

boy discovers that the boogieman's lair is actually the sacrificial grounds of a tribe. he saw a man being sacrificed and runs away. he finds em screaming of pain. suddenly a baby comes out of her, amazingly bloodless. the baby eventually gets hungry. they try to feed it with a papaya. it refused (as in shook its head). they poured him papaya juice. the monster cried even more. they don't know what to do. then em carries the baby, and the baby found its way to her breast. they were shocked.

the baby grows up, they play in the mud. while completely covered in mud, they see a ship coming. yes, it's the father searching for them. of course the eights didn't know it was him, and decided not to call for the ship due to em's feeling of contentment in the island. father sees them, but decides the two black things can't be his son and em. he leaves.

years pass, baby now walks. they visit their old spot, the old house, where they first landed. em & boy get nostalgic while baby runs about getting stuff on the boat. em & baby get tired and get on the boat. they fall asleep. the boat moves from the shore. one of the saddles float away. em cries for boy. boy swims to get it, but shark comes near. to save sexmate/co-parent, em throws the remaining saddle at the shark. they pathetically try to get one saddle, but failed. they foat away.

after quite some time, they fell asleep. baby got so hungry that she opted for her secret stach--yes, the famous sleep berries. em & boy try to make her spit it out, but boy discovers she has consumed a lot. they cry. a few hours later baby tries to fall asleep. despite the parents' struggle to keep her up, she falls asleep. boy offers em the sleeping berries. they both consume a lot and sleep hugging each other.

dad's ship sees the boat and recognizes it. the people inside were not dead, but sleeping. and dad found the sleeping berries.

the end.

funny, huh? this would be so fun to criticize... too bad gotta study. later!

8:05 PM 1/31/03

today was nice. not entirely nice, but okay nice.

physics sucked, pinoy was relatively easier, pehm was alright, and i didn't have a clue about CAT!!! not that i care...

played badminton with lady lee early this morning, then with jaws before the pehm test. afterwards, with dwarf. but we didn't get to play the actual game, because the person iceageman assigned to bring the net didn't bring it. remind me to bring my own net next time.

squishy showed me his baby pics this morning.
he was quite talkative today... hmm... wonder why...

bonded well with jaws...

we lost the basketball game... i'm not pissed at them or anything, but i know they could have done better.

happy new year! kung hei fat choy!

2003-01-25T05:41:00.000-08:00
9:08 PM 1/25/03

and i've got all that i need
right here in the passenger seat
and i can't keep my eyes on the road
knowing that she's inches from me...

i'm going crazy... i've been listening to this song since last night. i practically spent the whole day inside my room, reading while listening to this song, among others... it has a certain effect on me... i'm really.... urgh. the lyrics don't even apply to me, but... damn. i guess, it's just plain poetry that i seem to have analyzed into something that has a lot to do with me.

like i said, i'm going crazy.

i mean, what's going on in my life? what do i have to write about? am i confined to this, just this?!

school. it'll be periodicals next week. what have i to study?
ap... gnp/gdp/other related stuff i now understand.
res... ahem.... perFect ko na to... EXEMPTED!
math... ok... i can study that, but i can't write about it now, can i?
english... art.... damn, i've again associated it with him. urgh.
physics... rotational motion, bouyancy...
creative... i write about creative, don't i?
pinoy... urgh... associated with him again! FUO1... the best damn asshole in the planet!!!
chem... URGH!!!! WHY IS EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HIM?!?!?!?
pehm... huh? what's pehm? is that a subject?
cat... AAAARGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! HIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay... i haven't watched tv for quite some time. the last three shows i watched are 1. 30 minute meals with rachel ray (which i love because she always makes pasta dishes, due to being italian), 2. the celebrity chef person... the one with he funny accent who has the best kitchen utensils, and 3. the wild thornberrys (which i watched only because my nephew was so in to elephants).

ok... it's either i write about him or about the last two cooking shows i watched, but nobody will read that.

i'm slowly becoming like you ... this is so alarming.

the other topic i can think of is... well... infuriating. yes, in fact, too infuriating for me to handle... i get into a fit at the mere thought...

and i can't keep my eyes on the board
knowing that he's inches from me

2003-01-24T17:36:00.000-08:00
9:10 AM 1/25/03

it's been several days. check out this friend of mine... she's not in love...

wasn't able to blog because i wasn't able to... mwehekhekhek...

i'm really starting to hate chem.

physics is SOOOO boring i could sleep the whole period, despite the fact that i am interested in the damn subject. its the teacher, Snoregiver. she walks up front and boom--you're under one really strong sleeping spell.

in boring news, squishy & i have much less trouble talking now... mwehekhekhek... wrote a story for CW... i read it to Chichi last night... or rather really early this morning. she liked it, i guess... can't say anything right now so i'll just post the damn story...

OPUS

I heard my favortie opus being played by the town's finest orchestra. I entered the hall - whew - I was glad to get away from my companion. I have to do what I came here to do; I can't leave without being able to say what I have to say.

Inside, balloon skirts seemed to lift the women and let them flow around the floor while the men carried them around and around. I checked every face gliding around. Smiling, they're all smiling! I couldn't help but wish the chandeliers would fall on their fake smiles. The women were smiling as if to tease the men and insult the women, and the men smiling at the women dancing with the other men.

I think people who don't smile because of pure happiness should not smile. Don't get me wrong; I love smiles. But whenever I see a fake smile, I am reminded of how the world is full of fakeness. Fake smiles, fake tears, fake laughs, fake twinkles in the eye, fake love, fake marriage, fake commitments. I think it would be much easier, especially for me, if humans weren't capable of faking.

I heard the orchestra switch from a fast opus to a mellower one, and slowly the pairs started gliding slower. So there I was, in my expensive ball gown, real jewelry, wearing a fake smile and carefully scanning the whole room for him.

He's probably with her. I don't see why he should be, but maybe he is. Maybe he's got a thing for public image. Maybe…

I finally saw him. He was with her, her arm entangled in his, talking to their so-called friends. The same friends we should be talking to right now. I should be there, not her.

I had to be seen. Baron Belvedierre spotted me and made a big fuss of unnecessary noise, "Fro Monbrandy!!! How lovely to see such a jewel in the ball!" The baron is an old friend of mine. He made sure half the ballroom heard his greeting - which is probably why we never got together in the past - I was too busy avoiding him every single day. The baron approached me and kissed my cheek. Enter fake smile. The only reason why I let him come yards near is that I want to be seen by one person. I was seen.

After several moments, I was finally rid of the baron, and I saw that he was rid of her company. Finally, a chance to talk.

He approached me and greeted me the way a fine gentleman should. Then, disregarding his fiancée, he led me to the balcony. The orchestra was now playing the most invigorating opus I've ever heard, and apparently, the other people shared my opinion and they gathered inside. In the empty balcony, I finally started to carry out my plan.

"I'm glad you came to me," I said. "It's been a while and I've missed you so." I came close to embracing him, but he was coldly staring into the dark of night falling over the whole city below. I almost cried, but I swore to myself years ago that I should never cry in public places.

"Why did you come alone? You know I'd hate that," said the cold man, "Is it because you know I would come to you?"

I almost blushed. "You know me well," I answered. He turned to me with his eyes looking straight at mine. Enough to make me feel like a whore chasing after more money. "I want to tell you something. No, I want to know something, I want you to tell me something."

"What is it?" said he, I could sense he was not enjoying this conversation. I sensed something like unresponsiveness on his part, maybe he really doesn't want to talk about this.

"Why am I alone and why are you with her?"

I could see her from the glass windows that stood from the floor to the ceiling. She was with the baron, laughing unreservedly, as if they were conversing about her happy life with my beloved. She's a nice person, and as much as I hate hating her, I couldn't help it. She has in her arms the man I love, and he has her in his. I know he'd stopped loving her, but still… she's in his arms.

"Don't start," he said.

"I don't see the point in all this, Frederico. Why am I lonely tonight when the man I love is in love with me, and why are you with her when you're no longer in love with her? This is silly. Don't you see it's silly?"

I knew he was getting my point. He faced the city again, as if trying to dissuade my words. It was the truth he didn't want to face.

"Frederico, why can't you leave her for me?" I asked, in a sweet tone, so as not to make him panic. "Do you love her more than me? If you do, just tell me now. Let me off this suffering."

He still didn't answer. I turned my face opposite his direction, and tears started falling down my face. I couldn't believe this, me, in tears! When my first lover left me, I didn't cry. When my friends all burst into tears, I looked at them and said nothing nor shed anything. I hoped he wouldn't see me crying, but I hoped more that THEY wouldn't see me crying.

Inside the opus was finished, and the crowd applauded. They started another new opus, and I saw they all started dancing. Even she started dancing with a young bachelor from northern Germany. I can't see how she can go round and round flirting with other men while she is committed to her man. If I had him, I would never take advantage of his absence.

I don't deserve this suffering. How long must I wait until I be happy?

"Frederico," I said, trying hard so as mot to have a crack in my voice, "I need to be know now, once and for all…where is this going? What can I expect of this? If you intend to stay with her, then stay with her, and tell me now. Let me go."

The opus ended, the crowd left the ballroom, and there was no more room for fakeness. Out there in at the balcony, there was silence.

Frederico looked at me.

2003-01-20T03:46:00.000-08:00
7:22 PM 1/20/03

oh happy day!

Happy 40th Birthday Father!!!

HAPPENINGS

went to school with a smile.

last night someone made helga happy... no, not me... theirs is a love story i wish to immortalize someday with a sitcom. mwahahaha.

ap was ap... felt he was in a rather joyous mood... extra noisy...

research sucked, had no one to talk to. BABA has yet improved in teaching.

new sched effective TODAY!!! ap & research didn't change.

math... non existent.

english... had a lousy quiz on LOTF... hate that film.

physics... easy test, if you think about it. missed a certain concept, though...

creative... i went there, new stuff to do... i'm looking forward to it.

pinoy... sucked as usual, but then again miracles happen when you have a comic book version of el fili.

chem... este, nat sci... non existent.

pehm... still hate the damn subject, but nonexistent...

SQUISHY NEWS

oh happy day!

first it started when he walked up to where i was, talking to Bangag and Howler. he then started MY DAY by saying, oo nga fe, bili mo ko nyan.
i hit back by demanding Chicken Pox for the Soul by my fave author J. Zafra. he said he already saw it, blah blah blah.

oh happy day!

then i asked him about his lymph nodes... apparently the swelling was caused by a third(?!?!) molar growing and hitting his gums... yadda yadda yadda... tooth bondings... i remember i started flirting this way...

oh happy day!

i just want to say to tottie dear, that i love that husband of yours! if squishy hadn't borrowed him (?!?), i wouldn't have been able to make my move... one thing that i found great about CAT... i wish to honor that rifle....

oh happy day!

i strarted talking to him about the rifle thing, then, one thing again led to another, and we got to talk about stuff i can no longer recall... the point is HE WAS THERE, and I WAS TALKING TO HIM!!! probably lasted an hour or so...

oh happy day!

found out something about GIRL... i think she knows... oh well... like i said, i ain't givin up this fight... madrama, i know...

oh happy day!

my wishes are coming true.

2003-01-18T18:34:00.000-08:00
6:45 AM 1/19/03

hello...

this is an informal entry.

it's so early... i can't believe i already woke up, you know, considering i sleep really late...

i am currently listening to my MOST WANTED BOYS CD. i remember i got this back in 1997 for christmas.... i was really lusting for this then. damn, i've changed so much since. now i despise boybands. i guess i'm listening to this cd because i still like the OLD boyband style... or basically i just want a variation of songs in my room.

so anyway, my maternal grandparents slept here last night. you see, today's the big House (/building) Blessing. my grandfather was supposed to cook some of the several slaughtered pigs (around 4 or so), slaughtered goats (5), and the cow that probably arrived at midnight. come to think of it, i think they slaughtered 6 pigs or so. yesterday morning i could hear the animals' pleas for life from my bedroom window. now, explain to me how the hell i'm supposed to eat later.

a lot of humans will be here later... i doubt if TC would be able to make it. if i had the guts to invite squishy here i would've done it.

i don't really get the point of killing a number of animals... if it exceeds my fingers, it's sadistic.

i don't even like most of the people who will come here... i wish they'd stay out of our unit. i do not wish to encounter kids trashing my place up. i only want my relatives, no let me rephrase that, i only want my CLOAE relatives in the house, because i know them. apparently i have less fortunate relatives from the visayas... i don't know them and i probably won;t be able to communicate with them well considering i have no edge in dialects.

i fixed my room... i put for of my prettiest barbies on display... mmm... remind me to stay here most of the time, just in case my young female cousins decide to plot for my classic barbies.

my parents hung one of my "princess portraits" in my room, despite my protests. i mean, urgh. now mother insists that i submit one of the princess portraits for the yearbook... in fact, her exact words were, diba kailangan niyo ng baby pictures for the yearbook? sinabi sakin ni gigi... nagmamakaawa ako ito isubmit mo.(refering to one of the portraits...)

just realized: when i was a kid my maternal grandfather was still an active photographer. since i was the first grandchild, imagine how many photoshoots i had... i swear, i have a collection of my pictures that if you line up like a cartoon and quickly fash before your eyes, you would see my image move.

anyway... only our new househel ANN and my grandmother are up with me.

ann is half of a twin. her twin, LEN, is my cousin's househelp. len is soooo hardworking considering my cuzns a real bed potato. anyway, ann is even more hardworking.

10:09 AM 1/19/03

just finished taking a bath... my room looks amazing. it's no longer pure pink, i have combined blue, yellow, grren & pink together to form a pretty sight. i also let go of two of my regular pillows... leaving me with the two gigantic pink pillows, a regular pillow now in green, the squishy pillow also in green, the shine pillow and my bear pillow. why the hell i'm mentioning this i have no idea.

last night i was designing my grad ball gown. yes, i no longer wish to come as a peasant but a princess... no... QUENN! no, no, no.... i'll come as the GODDESS that i am!!!! mwahahahahaha!!!!

good luck to helga... she'll make DOST i'm sure...

I AM BORED. therefore i shall bore you.

i'm excited about the feb 14 thing. however, i was told that CAT humans won't be around... i shall speak to madame xyz about this matter, see if we can do it on the 13th... for helga's sake and someone else's sake... (ooooohhhh.... i wonder who...)

beside me three pictures are displayed. from right to left, pre-christmas picture of m7 in front of curie 1; christmas picture of me, panget, sugar daddy and tom (the other mommy) by a pool table at bigshot last year; and new tear picture of me, mother, p. grandmother and p. grandfather taken dec 31 2002. the transition of my dear face... ranking the three pictures from where i was happiest to loneliest/saddest/angriest, i'd rank the bigshot first, then new year, then M7. what this has to do with today i have no idea.

i have here a lollipop/candy/gummy thing i intend to give away to whom exactly i do not know.

later.

2003-01-18T05:47:00.000-08:00
9:00 PM 1/17/03

HAPPENINGS

got to school PREPARED for CAT.

when i went up, i was in a very good mood. why? because... i was. see SQUISHY NEWS.

so anyway, ap... urgh. see SQUISHY NEWS again.

research. now, this is for helga. the C1 & C2 groups arranged with the concerned teachers so now the classroom research will be taught (again) by a teacher named HAIR.

history: hair was my teacher in freshman year. he again taught us in sophomore year. in junior year i was lucky enough to be assigned to another teacher, but he still taught 4/7 of the batch. and now, in senior year, he's still teaching his junior students.

so anyway, the top 14 projects are exempted from the hell that is his class. so i went outside and iceageman joined me. we talked about the one hundred peso bill.

this is for helga: UUUUUUUUYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANG SWEET NYO HA!!!!!!!!!!!

pinoy... about the QQ... FLATFOOT was scolding tottie, and she was also blaming neng. she GRANDSTANDS that neng wrote the QQ... um, i mean, HELLO?!?!?! i hate grandstanding liars.

chem... sucked. i almost couldn't contain myself when she started lecturing... she almost sang...

math... had a test.

CW... still non-existent. how sad. i'm gettimg bored. i wanna start being forced to write again...

lunch, ate rice. note that i am currently on a diet (which i suppose will never end). i only eat rice when i can't bear the hunger anymore. yesterday i didn't, today i ate for lunch. the rest of the day i feed on soups and fruits.

before my CAT company commander informed me of my special training today, i planned to watch the closing ceremonies of the english week. before BOSS and i went down, i wrote this on the board:
S, Te sim! R... pakapalan na lang tayo ngayon...

SQUISHY NEWS

this morning when i got to school i was full of hopes about me & him. many people have already told me to save my heart before it gets burned. usually i'd follow that, but i now see that i've lost so many battles i should have won or at least fought for. why the hell did i have to forfeit?! i never intend to forfeit again, i swear that. i'm so tired of having the "what could've been" ritual played in my head. i wanna do something, like fight. madame xyz told me i have something to fight for.

anyway, madame xyz went to class on time. she didn't lecture us on econ stuff, instead, she reminded us of what we should do. the part i loved the most was when she killed one of the FUO.

madame xyz reminded us of the valentines thing, then the CARREER thing...

fart asked a question: what if the person we want to make a move on already has a carreer with someone else?
madame answered, that's ok. you're entitled to your own happiness. you're entitled to your own happiness... my exact words.

eventually she started mentioning names of the people she demands to have a carreer. she mentioned GOLFER, which prompted FART to start teasing him. first, FART teased GOLFER to ANA, then to me. at the mere mention of fe, madame said hindi na pwede si fe, may iba na yan...

RESULT: the class unitarily said UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!.

did i mention squishy was a chair behind me to the right? he didn't join in the teasing. i don't know if that's because he doesn't like hearing it or because he doesn't like me. what the hell, i don't really care... i won't fall out in this fight.

in other news... i was really down today once GIRL started claiming her man. that's ok, i respect her rights. i don't deny i'm hurt, though.

i left without saying goodbye. oh well. tomorrow's another day, and i'm gonna get him.

2003-01-16T05:10:00.000-08:00
7:20 PM 1/16/03

HAPPENINGS

this morning my ultimate goal was to make myself happy.

i planned to go to Cafe Literaire with TC... however, due to problems concerning the forbidden subject, they were all pulled into a meeting at 9 am. i was forced to go with naneng. malungkot. dalawa lang kami.

neng and i went there half an hour early to be able to get good seats. we were informed by dearest that everyone just wants to get in. i proved today that life becomes easier when you have connections.

so anyway, in line, first was naneng, then moi, then jogs, then HER. Howler and his men were there too... IOW, Bangag, Helium, and Dork.

when the head usher (as in a gay junior) asked us where we wished to be seated, neng requested the best seats in front. we were asked how many we were, since usually tables are for four.

REALITY CHECK: i don't hate HER. but naneng does. also, i don't want to be left with HER considering i'm so ashamed of what i want to do to her. i asked naneng to reserve the table for 8, which is really stupid because the tables up front are good for four. kasya lang talaga kami.

dearest wanted to kill me. Dork would be there... i asked her to serve me, and she said she couldn't serve me with him around... i told her that she should grab the opportunity to face him casually without having any insecurities. thus, there we were... eight of us... in one table.

it was one heck of a morning. dearest did serve us, and during the first batch of orders she skipped dork's order. this forced dork to ask me if dearest was mad at him. thus i started torturing him. mwahahaha. that should teach him not to play with dearest's heart.

i spent a lot of money there... had two orders of baguettes with marmalade, a cup of cofee and a glass of apple juice. afterwards, sheila gave me a free glass of grape juice and dearest came back with yet another glass of apple juice.

i found it really hilarious when Bangag asked me how to order in french. i could not believe he does not know how to say thank you in french. he asked me to write Merci Beaucoup so he can say that to dearest when she asks for our order in french. in bangag's exact words, Para naman may class...

i spent around a hundred buckeroos.

Howler was sitting right beside me. he opened up about him & his girl, Whiteface. apparently they are having a few problems...

the CL was good... i found some interesting french poems. if only my companions in the table cared to listen instead of read or sleep, they's find that one of the peoms is actually about sexual tension.

this afternoon was spent with madame xyz and ed4.

madame xyz gave me a gift that i treasure. she told me i should not stop trying to get him... he loves me.

around four this afternoon, we performed the long fucked-up reader's theatre. helga helped out with howler & hanna, boss helped with the joker, and iceageman helped me. it was a fun experience.

helga and iceageman... i'm their common database. i'm about to explode... but it's fun. i have a lot of fun talking to both of them.

in other, rather sadder, news...

icicles left.
poor dear tottie.
she finally said it.
how sad that she only found the courage to admit it now that he's gone.
no more on line soap opera...

i told helga something this morning. nanghihina na talaga ako. but i love him just the same. i just want to do something for valentines to make my feelings clear.

helga's happy.

2003-01-14T05:08:00.000-08:00
7:55 PM 1/13/03

HAPPENINGS

i'm happy that i have no problems academically. it's a big relief for mother.

had a closed-door meeting with dr cavo.
after the meeting i found out about the quotable quotes thing.
you see, it was confiscated ekekek.
now OBA is showing it to every single soul in the faculty.
as helga put it, na-insecure at ngayon naghahanap ng kakampi...

damn. poor tottie.
i wish she'd have a very happy birthday, and i'm gonna do my best to give her that.
i mean, nobody deserves to cry on their birthdays.
and i stress nobody.

what comprises a romantic story?
wala lang.

SQUISHY NEWS

last night i was able to talk to someone about squishy and me.
(my sincerest apologies to helga)...
iceageman called me last night about the chem thing (wherein squishy should be involved).
then we talked about crushes and crap, IOW, squishy.
i mentioned how embarassed i become when it comes to him.
i don't understand it, iceageman doesn't understand it.
he said i shouldn't be embarrassed, since he's not the type of person who'll avoid me just because of a certain crush from one side.
i told him i think squishy knows.
i asked him to be honest, and he said yes, squishy knows.
what a wonderful life.
how can i face him again?
anyway, iceageman gave me some good advice from someone who truly knows squishy.

today, i couldn't come up to him.
wala na kong mukhang maipakita.

MADAME XYZ

yes, i turned to madame xyz again today.
if you can recall, exactly a week ago i asked for her help.
this time, helga seeked her help first.
she's learned this new way of looking at things, this time she has three parts.
i can no longer recall every detain of the reading, but anyway... this is all:

apparently in the first part it was negative, meaning he's resisting and no one's telling the truth.
IOW, i'm not telling him & he's not telling me.
exactly what we're not telling each other i don't know.

in the second part, it was quite longer, apparently we're not telling each other the truth,
he's in resistance, he's got another girl, he loves her, i'm constantly dreaming of him and it's nearing the "physical" side...
he knows. the cards showed.

in the third part, it was more of a question and answer thing...
do i love him? yes, but i'm losing hope therefore i'm getting weak.
can he leave her for me? at the moment, no. she's sweet...
do i have a shot at him? yes.
will my valentines' plot be significant? yes. therefore i should do it.
will they last until valentine's? no.
would we get together before high school ends? yes. ( pero ma'am, dalawang buwan na lang ang high school!)(so? matagal ang dalawang buwan!)
naiilang ba siya sakin? yes. why?

at this point, madame xyz started screaming and freakily smiling out of kilig...

he's naiilang because...

the card: THE LOVERS.

figyre it out.

7:24 PM 1/14/03

this is what happens when you don't have enough time to go online daily. your blogs stock up in the files.

HAPPENINGS

reader's theater today. didn't get much practice, didn't perform today. we were re-scheduled for thursday.
my problems: FART has trouble speaking clearly due to braces and JAWS stutters.

QUOTABLE QUOTES

the teachers have the quotes. most of them are angry because they felt insulted.
they mentioned something that Senora Fisique said about our batch, ingat kayo sa kanila, naglilista sila ng mali niyo.
don't get me wrong, i respect senora fisique. i will die before i speak ill of her. she has taught me the wonders of physics... blame her for my apathy towards SCPT (so-called physics teacher).
well, anyway, i just have one comment about that comment: senora fisique did not handle edison 4 last year. therefore, the people she refers to in the comment are probably from AVO, BEC & FLEM.

next, Lakay is so... urgh. see helga's blog...

too bad for tottie... this day being her birthday and all... i wish i could've done something to make it all go away... nobody deserves to cry on her birthday.

SQUISHY NEWS

i planned to start making my moves today.
one way or another i was gonna get him to talk to me.
but she's there.
she's always there.
i want to give her a code name but i couldn't, she's simply HER. SHE. THE GIRL.
i'll have to admit, i really want to get rid of her, and i hate it because i'm getting really selfish.
she had him first, no matter what we all say.
madame xyz admitted that they (the girl & squishy) are living on unstable ground.
she also told me that she told HER what to do...
nothing personal to madame xyz, she has to be fair.
but SHE got him first.
and i'm slowly being driven to madness.
I WANT HIM!!!
but he loves her... the cards showed that he has feelings for me too, but... DAMN!!!
this is a fight between me and someone/thing.
it's either me against myself or me against her.
i feel like a dirty bitch who just can't let people be happy.
damn. i can't even concentrate anymore.
everytime i look at them together i want to cry.
they're always together.
i fear that i wouldn't be able to get him anymore, no matter how hard i try.
i wish to make this clear: I DON"T LIKE THIS SITUATION.
maybe i should do what madame xyz told me to do, because apparently SHE's doing what madame xyz told her too.
i am so sorry for blabbing about this.
i can't help it.
i feel like i'm about to enter a battle i've already lost.
but then again, helga's right.
this is my last year in xienxia, and i have exactly 63 days to do what is should do.
suppose it doesn't work out the way i wish it would, i'll be okay.
it'll be time for college and i won't have him near me no longer because we're obviously going separate ways.
unless we both get to UP or mapua.
otherwise it's me in dlsu and him in ust.
it'll hurt for a while, but i'm ready. (what the hell are you saying?!^%&^&$% )
i'll give him the special chocolates.
i already asked iceageman if squishy was allergic to almonds.
iceageman said he's probably not.
i have to do this.
i need this.
i need to stay up till 12.

2003-01-13T03:50:00.000-08:00
7:15 PM 1/11/03

HAPPENINGS

life sucks.
first you are born to a world with air filled with compounds that can kill you.
then you start wakling on ground that houses a gazillion germs that can eventually kill you.
then you start drinking water filled with bad bacteria that will kill you.
then you eat meat that has diseases that will kill you and veggies with pesticides that will kill you.
and you take vitamins that prevent your fast approaching death but the damn manufacturers cheated the expiration dates and you realize that you just took a shortcut.

that i can take. this i cannot.
you go to preschool where you are told that every stranger outside is a bad man.
you go to elementary school where you hear every insulting name and you are told that sex is just for the married people and lots of sex is just for the lusty freaks.
you go to high school and realize your elementary teachers were just toying with you the whole time and you hear direct insults to your face.
you become a hs junior and you're supposed to balance all three sciences, each one worth three units.
you face the dillemma of having all your teachers compete on who's the most prioritized by giving you more and more assignments & projects.
then you become a hs senior and you're pressured to choose a course and review for UPCAT.
then you're pressured to find alternative universities.
then you're pressured to finish a research project and you realize how much time you wasted in junior year no matter how hectic your schedule was.
then you go crazy trying to pass every subject just so you'd graduate.
then you graduate honorless with a gazillion pimples and very bad grad pics.
then you go to college and study.
after a thesis which will drain your energy you graduate.
after graduation you start killing people to find a job.
while working you realize you have to get an MA to get promoted.
so while working, you're studying again.
after your MA, you realize you need to kick that friggin fat ass of that old pervert that is your boss so you try and get a PhD.
while bearing with the pervert, you study again.
congratulations! you're now qualified to kick your boss' ass.
you get a house, a nice car, nice techie stuff.
then some new bigshot tries to steal your position jest because he's got an extra course ahead of you.
you get two courses to beat him down.
study study study.

forgive me. i'm just pissed.

i can't help thinking of this, this is my future. i have no choice, i am a responsible person. i'm too fucking serious. i'm so damn BORING. i'm NOT FUN.

again, forgive me, people reding this. this is not for you. this is for some of my friends who think i'm too dull. tc, this message is not for you. if you wish, don't read the italic part anymore. go straight to the reg font style.

i'm so sorry if you think my taste in colors is boring. forgive me if i think glitter finishings are cheap and jologs. i don't think that they are always cheap and jologs, its just that there are certain occasions when glitters don't blend with the design. i would like to thank you for calling me boring, but at least i'm not in to jologs cheap shit. forgive me if i do not like "pang baklang perya" designs. i'm sorry i have class.

please forgive me if i get cranky sometimes when you're enjoying yourselves. it's just that we have a big deadline and you're either not doing anything or making my work harder. i'm sorry if i have plans to graduate and you apparently do not know what graduation means. forgive me if i'm so mataray, kill joy and panira ng katuwaan. it's just that this is not the time for that. i believe in a simple work tool called time management, and apparently you see this as bullshit. sorry if i'm in to bullshit. you're bullshit.

sorry if my idea of fun is not watching porn after classes. sorry if my idea of fun is watching an intelligently funny movie after a punishing day. sorry if my idea of fun is buying great books. sorry if my idea of letting myself loose is having lunch with my best friends trying out exotic or at least new food. sorry if i don't smoke, i don't think it's fun to send yourself to death. sorry if i don't like most of the songs you like, i just think that my life would be so much better listening to people who can sing instead of faces painted with make up to ba made pretty with asses padded with foam. sorry if i don't have fun the way you do, i have my own definition of fun and it's not jologs. it's classy.

sorry if i'm not like you, that's what make me me. i don't immitate jologs people.

hoooh.... that felt good.

anyway, TC you may now read this:

in lighter news...

had a very nice lunch with helga... yummy seafoods... now i know i can put fish on seafood pasta.

still no chicken pox for the soul book...

i attended CAT yesterday, amazing.

i found out something really disturbing from my friend amidala. i'm sooo disturbed.... i think people want to put me in a mental institution because of it.

anyway... madame xyz announced something crazy this noon/afternoon. on feb 14, all girls are supposed to give chocolates to boys/friends who are boys and one relly special chocolate (RSC) to that one really special boy. crap. the boys are supposed to give one soft, white, sweet thing (SWST) to one really special girl.

let's say there are two girls A and B, and one boy C; if A gives the RSC to C, and C gives the SWST to A, then, A & C become A & C. no more courtship crap.

however, consider this: if A gives the RSC to C knowing that C has a GF B, will C still give the SWST to anyone? if so, to whom, A or B? what will happen to the RSC from A, shall it be consumed by C or shall C give it to B to consume?

i dunno... what should i do? to give or not to give...

2003-01-09T02:03:00.000-08:00
8:39 PM 1/7/03
bok!

NOTE:click the damn archives and click on the most recent date to have a better view.

HAPEPNINGS

i wasn't even late this morning...

the first significant thing that happened was in chem (an unlikely place for significant happenings), and not in pinoy when he borrowed stuff from me.

anyway... chem stuff...

yesterday our beloved adviser made us do some sort of test thing. we were shown four cards in four different colors, with clowns in interpretative positions. OBA said we should remember what we see so i examined the details of every picture.

the blue one is a picture of two clowns, the male clown was in a 1960's suit, and he was holding flowers with his lips trying to kiss the female clown's forehead. the female clown was facing the same direction as the male clown, wearing a sort of maria clara dress and her hair was in a bun. also, she was holding her skirt in a way as if she were dancing for indak xienxia. oooh, there was a faint rainbow across the damn picture and there were little symbols of romance like flowers and hearts and crap.

the green one had two male clowns from two different dimensions. the one on the left was in some sort of wizarding robe and hat (the clown looked like an ugly representation of the sorcerer in disney's the sorcerer's apprentice) holding a flask of some sort with a yellowish chemical. the clown on the right was in a 19th century suit handling a more modern experiment.

the orange one had two clowns. the female clown was at the lower part and the male was in a smaller scale up on the left corner. they were doing some terrible interpretation of the X games.

the gold one featured two male clowns in 1920's suits. they seemed like bankers, clowns with class and prestige, i honestly thought it was the picture of success. there were symbols again, like classy clocks and stuff.

anyway, after the damn activity, i was disappointed to find out that we only had to rank the four pictures from the best that describes us to the least. i ranked gold first, followed by green, then by blue, last was orange.

today she interpreted these.

gold - responsible, most likely to endure & excel academically, loves rules, wants things structured.
orange - fun-loving. fun fun fun. fun fun fun. funfunfunfunfunfunfunfun. hates rules, hates structure.
green - thirsts for knowledge, loves challenges, tamad.
blue - enjoys at the expense of people's feelings, good listeners and comforters.

the funny parts...

helga is sooooo green, we were just waiting for the tamad part, but we also got the mind over heart concept... i swear, so helga. it's really great though, because who can imagine helga if she were a heart over mind creep?!

golds hate oranges... naneng is an orange.

but golds need oranges...

red banana: (to iceageman) i hate oranges. (points at iceageman)
iceageman: (wearing a freaky smile to red banana) you love oranges. (points at squishy's direction)
this was repeated around seven or eight times.

when OBA mentioned golds need oranges, the creatures around me started to laugh. if you don't get it, you're as dumb as the asshole who said, hindi ko gets kung bakit sila tumatawa.

stupid freak... he already knows... dunno why he even bothers to act ignorant.

MOVIE REVIEW

TITLE: Mano Po
Cast: Maricel Soriano
Kris Aquino
Ara Mina
Richard Gomez
Eddie Garcia
Boots Anson Roa
Tirso Cruz III
Gina Alajar
Amy Austria
Jay Manalo
Eric Quizon
Maxene Magalona
Cogie Domingo
naming the other creeps is pointless because they're just pointless...

i expected this movie to be good, and it was... it was really good.
i've wanted to see this movie since i first saw the ad at a waiting shed in edsa. it seemed like a good movie, maricel soriano looking so fierce and chinese, kris aquino looking like a housewife, richard gomez trying to look chinese (i swear, i thought they were trying to make him chinese!), and ara mina and her huge panga... i never really found her attractive.

the best actor award went to eddie garcia. best actress went to ara mina. best supporting actress went to kris aquino.
let's do this one by one, least deserving first.

ara mina sucks.
her acting was the one visible flaw in this movie. casting her to play richele would've been fine if they used a more convincing voice. honestly, ara mina should've brushed through her acting skills. i mean, my definition of good acting is being believable, and great acting (deserving enough to win an award) is getting your audience to feel with you. ara mina's acting didn't even reach good. she glares at her sister, and she looks like she's seducing someone. she shows affection to her aunt, and she looks so plastic. she cries, and she looks ridiculous. she may look the part (but i swear... that jaw... it's disturbing...), but in movies you're supposed to act.

kris aquino did well.
i suppose this was because the role was perfect for her. she didn't even have trouble getting the persona, since she had her son she's been playing the same old persona--wife, housewife, hubby semi-abusive, cry, mahinahon, cry, push me around, cry... she was believable. her wardrobe, well, is her usual wardrobe in all her tv appearances (as in maalaala, eklat). i didn't see who did her wardrobe.

eddie garcia.
eddie garcia was amazing.
eddie garcia is far beyond great.
okay, not far beyond great, but at least great.
eddie garcia gave me a rush of snot.
his best scene was by his wife (boots anson roa) elisa's deathbed. i really love that scene. i never thought i could hear anything romantic or just plain sweet from an 80-year old chinese man. in fact i never expected that the line, "hahanda tayo, bisita natin, samlibo. tagal tayo maksasama," would appeal to me as romantic.

my favorite scene: elisa's death.
amazing choreo of tears. and since ara mina wasn't there, only real actors & actresses were left, thus i was taken into the scene. rush of snot.

INDIVIDUAL CRITICISM

maricel soriano.
amazing wardrobe, amazing lipstick. amazing composure. amazing ponytail.
she was very good in playing thestone-hearted firstborn. she has suffered like most first borns, and she pours the hatred to her two seemingly pathetic sisters. whenever maricel would glare, you'd feel as if she were to kill you or you were to kill with her. when she cries, you'd feel the sincerity of every tear. i have this thing that when a character cries a lot in the movie, her tears tend to get meaningless. at first it's, aww, she's crying. then it gets, oh, wrap it up tear booger. maricel soriano was amazing. you could feel her pain growing up with people having a gazillion expectations on her. from her character a touch on the foot was already endearing & reconciling... you'd actually forgive her stone-heartedness.

richard gomez.
he looked like he was doing another PIA ad for the PNP. terrible wardrobe, he wasn't sexy, so they tried to make him look heroic. i was rooting for the gangsters when he was trying to be the hero with a gun walking in the dark of night dripping wet from the rain. i didn't like him. i found one thing hilarious though, how he realized what he felt for ara mina. he was staring at her.... see helga's site.

boots anson roa.
she was really classy... she was a pure pinay in the movie, but she looked more chinese than eddie garcia. her acting was okay, she was there for quite a short time actually.

tirso cruz III.
amazing actor. i saw in him the character of lucio tan, dunno why. he was amazing being an ass and being a cry baby too. he also gave me several drops of snot...

gina alajar.
she was brilliant. you could see the battle inside of her: the good chinese wife (submissive & quiet) and the mother who feels for her children.

amy austria.
she was very beautiful. the hair. i want that hair. she would not move her lips but you could see her smile. she was another character who gave me snot... her crying was so... genuine...

eric quizon.
was insignificant. a highly-paid extra, but great just the same. he looked like he was truly enjoying bullying his wife (kris aquino) around.

maxene magalona.
she's that grown-up?! anyway she did alright... when she was called a moron she looked like a moron... i couldn't see the fighter in her like i see in boots anson roa. (maxene magalona plays the young boots anson roa)

cogie domingo.
love the accent! very natural! points for you! good job on hiding that facein the magsaysay flashback! you looked authentic! you even sounded authentic! are you annoyed yet??! no! more! more!

don't ask why this is so:

jay manalo.
urgh. perfect. love that body. love those clothes. the posture. the smile. those eyes... urgh!!! watching him play a loving fiance makes me want him more!!! the sweetness he portrays! he makes maricel soriano look like a teenager again whenever he speaks with that voice... the eyes. the body... the smile... those clothes... perfect... urgh...

that's it... after this movie, i therefore conclude the following:

1. that the two make-up artists i had to deal with must have been fans of chinese crap. they used the same trick in the movie to make my eyes look chinese. they even shaped my eyebrows to complement it. i shall never go to them again.

2. that showing your butt is now acceptable in the chinese community.

3. that kissing (torrid) is now allowed in china's public places.

4. i want those red robes.

5. those who say i have chinita eyes are blind.

6. eddie garcia is trula amazing

7. ara mina really can't act.

8. i want jay manalo.

2003-01-06T02:05:00.000-08:00
5:29 PM 1/6/03
Zdravo!

NOTE: click on archives and chose the most recent date to view this more comfortably. my PC is having trouble changing templates.

HAPPENINGS

i woke up 2 am after a mind-boggling dream involving a prom-like thing and a sleepover. i tossed, turned, went totally out of my friggin head, read zafra, got bugged by the damn dream again, and eventually fell asleep at 430 am. 430 am. the time i set my alarm clock to wake me up. i turned the damn thing off and said i'd wake up at 5.

i woke up 600 am.

amazingly i took a bath and got dressed in less than 30 minutes because at exactly 630 we were out the door.

were you late for your flag ceremony?

of course, dumbass, did you expect i'd get from tondo to qsci in fifteen minutes on a MONDAY MORNING?!?!?!?!?&^*^#@!

what a perfect way to start the year, by being late.

seven seniors were late: me, dogh8r, dearest, msguditusyus, kc, shine, and another creep. only dogh8r, dearest & i were asked to stay. msguditusyus is a real fake.

anyway, to make the long morning short, i surprised the qsci world with my hair. i was right not to tell them. i only told dearest, and she only told me. we were shocked to see we had the same haircut. only diff is that she wears it fly away.

we cleaned.

this afternoon we went to madame xyz to have a tarot reading. i was the only one she read for.

the six cards: (not sure if in this particular order, except the last two--i'm really sur of those)inverted magician, something i can't recall, strength, inverted judgement, inverted high priestess, lovers.

i picked the lovers last. madame xyz opened it first and said, that's it. we don't need to open anything else. this is a very good sign. you will end up together. i wailed, insisting she opens the rest just so my present situation could be revealed, so as to prove her reading accurate.

your present situation: you're still confused over your feelings for him. you know you want him but you're doubting. "is he the one? do i really love him? is this real?" it says here clearly that he is the one. you used to be very patient with him, pa-sweetums ba. but now you're like, "UUURGH! hurry up! what the hell are you waiting for?!" in the past you were very positive in waiting for him, you were actually seducing him. you should just do that. do what you used to do so you'll end up together.

my present situation: i received a really sweet message from him for christmas. i waited for this day to see him again. i really did. then he doesn't say hi to me. buti pa si iceageman, pinansin ako. nag hi tapos pinansin hair ko. e yung hinayupak na yun, $#!@$#@!!! our only communication today was when i asked him to do something.and you know what?! i want him more now than i ever did! AAAARRRGH!!

dear friends, analyze that.

english, went home.

AAAARGH!!!

Doviduvanje! Prijatno!
Do skoro viduvanje!

2003-01-05T06:53:00.000-08:00
9:32 PM 1/5/03
Labas! (and i do not mean get out...)
meli kalikimaka! gledelig jul! yeni yilinizi kultar!
kuwa na krismasi njema! shub naya baras! bung nadal!
kasmish bihozhi! kurisumasu omedeto! pulit nadal!
nadolig llawen! kellemes karacsonyi unnepeket! gong tsok sing dan!
la manuia le krismasi! goo jol! sarbatori ferecite!

it's just another manic monday...
i wish it was sunday...
what the hell... it is sunday...

HAPPENINGS

Happy Three Kings!
greeted my maternal grandfather as we entered their house in nova. i never really got the meaning of that greeting. i mean, first, today is the celebration of the epiphany of the wise men. ok, we're celebrating their epiphany--and by celebrating i mean we remember it through a mass. our eyes get teary out of hearing a long homily about our own epiphany. besides, it doesn't say in the bible that there were actually three kings... in fact no number of kings were mentioned. the only number related to the "three kings" is the three gifts--and they weren't even proven kings. why the hell am i blabbing about the three kings?! do you know that there are even "historians" who insist that there were four kings but one was an ally of herod so the other three purposely misled the poor creep? urgh. i think the people just got the hang of greeting everybody happy new year that they used it for everything else. happy ordinary time! happy feast of the holy family! happy feast of the descent of the holy spirit! happy sunday mass!

i woke up 8 this morning. i looked at my alarm clock and decided not to get up, even if i knew we should hurry for mass. i didn't know what time the mass was, so i chose not to get up. i started reading instead. then father woke up and he woke the world up. as soon as i dragged my ass out of my room i heard a ring from the intercom--cuzn fatass wants to know what time we were going to church. i told her i'd pick up my nephew instead. i knew i'd have a rather bad day, might as well start it right--i needed happy thoughts with my darling nephew.

we left the house, with duane iika-ika due to his wounds... father started irritating me. we got to the ECG where we waited for my irritating father and eventually decided to leave and have breakfast and hear mass later. earlier i told them i had cravings for donuts, and mother mentioned the twist, and it became a craving too... since we were all hungry then, my cravings passed on to them, and we went around congressional searching for Mr. Donut. we found one. we ate there. as we left father said, hay naku, ang paglilihi mo dandi!

and so we got to nova, where i ate food and my cuzn i'llannoyyoutillyoucannololngerlive annoyed me. for some reason i was... um... irritable. much more irritable than usual.

after nova we went to a family friends' birthday party. come to think of it, i first practiced my bitching skills on that kid when she was one or so. anyway, i find her a darling now and i intend to be nice to her...

went to church. still debating on the priest's nationality. i remember he had a pinoy name, but his accent is so... either primitive or foreign.

went home. talked to a classmate whom i shall no longer refer to in one of his many codenames, instead i shall refer to him as howler. anyway, howler called. earlier i tried putting everyone in my cel phone book to my palm pilot phone book. i didn't put howler since never have i thought to contact the freak. anyway i saw a familiar number on the caller id but i couldn't track the caller. anyway, he called again and it was indeed howler. he was supposed to ask one question. when someone asks one question, i always give one answer. our conversation ended 20 minutes later.

went to the rooftop to play with darling nephew. i just love that kid.

went back here.

i had an interesting conversation with my aunt this afternoon. this aunt of mine from whom i think i got all the advice on marriage from (which is rather funny since she's not married) gave me yet another advice on marriage.

the family has plans to make one big building with several units for the family to occupy. the plan was formed during the new year's day dinner here. they already have the drawings etc. we are still debating on the name of the building, Chateau du Sierra--no daw because sierra is spanish so we can't use french. apparently sierra is the one thing we MUST use. Casa de Sierra--cuzns annoyinglygay and oldmaid do not like the term casa. what about Sierra Villa? Castillo de la Sierra? we are still thinking of a classier name. wanna bet i'll be the one to give the name?

so anyway. the advice. it started when she described the plans to me. in a 14-foot floor, part will be divided so as to have a loft, with 7 feet. What if i marry a seven footer? mother butted in, who says you'll be living there? you won't have a unit. daddy & i will, not you.

here come the advice: besides you're a girl, why on earth would you provide for your husband?! don't worry, i plan to have my dreamhouse before i get married. good for you. you know what her problem is? ma, what if i earn a lot before i get married? what if i get really rich? she wants a prenup, and she wants all expenses split in half, etc. etc... just remember, never marry anyone whose income is much smaller than yours. unless of course, you are both doctors and he's doing service to the poor, then it's your duty to support your family. other than that, marry someone who can support you and give you a life you can give yourself.

tomorrow's my first schoolday after a long time. i gotta study hard, or else i won't be able to get married before thirty! eeek! the horror!

but, um, i read something from my source of wisdom, ms. jessica zafra... men's attraction to women is directly proportional to her looks. what about the ugly ones who still get guys? men's attraction to women is inversely proportional to the size of her brain. get it? if you're mart as hell, only guys in your level or in a higher level of intelligence would pick you up... the MACHO image still plays a big part in the society... how sad...

viso gero!
iki pasimatymo!

2003-01-04T02:37:00.000-08:00
4:43 PM 1/4/03
Sveiki!
Ka tev iet?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS na rin, it's been too damn long!

NOTE AGAIN: if you're still having trouble reading this blog in this template, click on the dateon the left side to view in a more convenient state.

HAPPENINGS

yes, we now have the phone here in the new unit...
it was transfered a while ago.
and yes, same number... sweet life...

i just read the blogs... i missed a whole lot.

anyway... here in the new unit...

i started jogging at the rooftop. i missed the last few days because...

helga and naneng were already here dec 18.
helga said my room was all pink.
i didn't realize that until father put in the curtains.
as you all know, i despise the sun.
i got the darkest possible curtains and guess what shade?
PINK.
FRIGGIN PINK.
add my two really BIG pillows i asked from my granny for christmas.
add my new bedspread, which is plaid shades of blue, yellow, and pink.
i asked mother to get a really RED shade, and she was supposed to get enough cloth for all my pillows too.
instead she decided to live by PINK.
my only consolation is aerosmith's cute song PINK.
PINK is the color of obsession....

i love out living room.
everything's in the shades of red and gold.
why can't my room be red and gold?!

anyway...
my cuzn and her hubby moved in the fourth floor unit.
TRANSLATION: i'm much closer to my darling nephew.
for some reason that kid lifts up my spirits everytime.
i've been kidnapping him from his parents lately.
as soon as i've finished breakfast, i run upstairs and get him from his parents' side.
i don't even have to get him from the bed, when he sees mee peeping through the door, he smiles excitedly and hurries down to go to me.
like i said, lifts me up...
i've taken the task of feeding him here every lunch and dinner.
i swear, i love that kid...

in other angles...
duane met a slight accident last thursday, jan. 2...
talk about welcoming the new year.
he went outside without permission to play with our younger cuzns.
when he was about to come home, he crossed the street without noticing a coming jeep.
the front wheel of the jeep semi-ran over his left foot.
his foot now suffers from bruises, nothing more.
he was rushed to the hospital, of course.
mother describes his bruises as disgusting, since some tissues are exposed.
that day, prior to the accident, he was a real pain in the rear.
he apologized to mother for being such a pain and has been nice since.
i hope his niceness lasts though.

meanwhile...
father insisted that we get rid of the maid.
duh! as if he's the one at home cooking and cleaning and doing stuff...
mother is again on the search for a new maid.

in lighter news...
got in dlsu.
wanna go to dlsu.
my aunt gave me a pocket viewer because of it.
all my la sallian cuzns are in michigan, so when the whole family went to the LOPEZ side reunion, they kept on teasing me with pa-conio crap.
oh well... they're all from UST and they know how much i despise UST.
they kept on teasing since new year's day at the gathering here.
my cuzn fatass said stuff like, yihee, la salle... maraming matangkad na gwapo and rich pa dun...
goodness... who knew that my grandfather who has selective hearing would actually select that?!
he called me over to his side and asked me if i already had a boyfie.
HELLO?!?!?!
it's as if... URGH! my cuzns are ruining my perfect little girl image!!!
oh well... that's because i'm his favorite granddaughter...
earlier that day at the TALLADEN side...
my aunt said something about college (i think she was supposed to be teasing me about dlsu... again, she is from UST)...
when i said farewell to my grandfather, he said, o, wala munang magboboyfriend a...
okay... why tell me this now?
hello?!?! most of my friends are racing to get pregnant and you're telling me this now?!
goodness...
not as if i'd follow...

in BRIGHTER news, here are the THINGS I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

a whole lot of kikay bags... two of which are red...
a purple backpack which i intend to use for school, believe it or not...
a native backpack...
a box of fake pearls... (?!?!?!?! i bet they just want me to make them into wearable kikay stuff so they can use them)
PILLOWS!!!
a purple shawl...
candles...
kikay crap...
TWISTED 3, 4, & 5 from my loving mum...
MANANANGGAL TERRORIZES MANILA from iceageman...
TWISTED 6 from squishy banana
this one's the best:
i've already told
Santa what i want
for christmas-
a good friend that
will stay forever.
so if a fat man
comes around and
tries to wrap you...
please cooperate, ok?
luv u!
merry christmas!

ok... i don't really care if he sent that to the world... he still sent it to me.

you know what?
no, nothing...
i want that guy NOW!!!

Uz redzesanos!

2002-12-14T06:25:00.000-08:00
9:41 PM 12/14/02
dia dhuit!
yeni yilinizi kutlar!

NOTE: if you're having trouble reading this blog in this template,
click on the date on the left side to view it in a more convenient state.

HAPPENINGS

practice today for the carolfest...
was in mcdo playplace by 8:00 sharp.
had breakfast, longganisa egg and rice plus the ever so healthy breakfast drink coke.
i saw squishy there on the other side of mcdo with the other boys while having mt breakfast... yum.

the practice was at junjun's house.
meaning, tita melda and tito eric were there, so i had to be a good girl again.
didn't even say shit.

ooohhh... btw, i made a resolution.
i'll be using my chanel everyday so mauubos na agad before christmas.
mahirap siya gawin because there are only 11 days till christmas and i've yet used half of its contents.
help me.
actually i only have 10 days since dec 24 is the last day...
i need a new perfume.
mother gave that to me because she thought i liked the damn thing...
i don't.
i'm not a chanel person.
damn it i'm not exactly a perfume person.

info crap: perfume is supposed to be used within one year after you first use it.
believe it or not, perfume spoils.
(according to the kikay machine)
so i wish people who wish to give me perfume choose small amounts...

in other news...

i wish to murder three creatures because of their annoying behavior at the practice earlier.
ana, and two fucked up ones.
ana, because i swear... voice control lessons, common sense, respect... she lacks these big time.
the two fucked up ones... brains, manners... they both have none.

in lighter news...

helga's happy...

squishy news
i was sort of avoiding him today because... i dunno.
then, in junjun's house, while i was really bad trip because i got fed up with the annoying boys and ana, food was served.
i didn't eat, but i drank the gulaman.
while i was standing near the food, squishy walked by me and looked at my bad trip face then said, "hi fe"...
syempre di nawalan ng hirit sa tabi-tabi...
helga coughed.
verna made a sound i cannot put in words.

paige made a very big lie to her mother earlier today...
while they (paige and her mother) were seated in mcdo, squishy and a companion sat nearby.
paige's mother commented on his looks... rather positively...
paige told her mother that he was already taken.
by who? asked paige's mother.
by fe answered paige.
liar liar... zeus might smite thee, paige of NPC...
buti na lang cute tayo, kaya ok rin lang...

this is already long, but i feel like typing more crap...

i finished buying presents for TC and M6!!!
yes, helga... believe it or not i'm still giving her a present.
tc's presents will be given on monday because tottie doesn't have plans on going to school after monday...

my dad's electric guitar...
to bring or not to bring?
honestly, i might not be able to bring it.
hello?! tondo, qsci, tondo?!
i don't think so...

oo nga pala, bought squishy's present na, wrapped it na, wrote his name on the red banana gift tag na... how the hell am i supposed to give it to him, anyway?
maidin mhaith dhuit, squishy. by the way, nollaig chridheil!
(translation: good morning, squishy. by the way, merry cristmas!:::gaeilge/gaelic/gaelique/irish:::)

maybe i should write that... so his brain will be all confused and he'll have a brain shut down...
not that his brain isn't already shut...

slan agat!!!

2002-12-14T05:42:00.000-08:00
7:45 PM 12/13/02
hallo!

HAPPENINGS

was late for school, though no one noticed since ma'am erps was not around.

from seven till eight forty, did almost nothing except spend time with TC andblab with paige about Scarlett. btw, she finished it already and she's as thrilled as i was.

we had friggin pinoy, think i'm really down there. paige said she's glad she doesn't have relatives like hillary... too embarrassing...

no chem, no math, no creative, no physics, no pehm, no english, and friggin CAT.

i gave my excuse letter to my company commander.
tatamads said i should give my excuse letter to the commandant.
s1 says i should give it to my company commander.
ain't qsci lovely?

i wish tatamads retired, i mean, he's quite old... he should retire from his evil ways ASAP!!!

besides, he's just the head janitor, and out of respect for such an old creep he was given the title CAT adviser...
i believe at least 51% of xienxia would agree with me that tatamads is not needed in the school.
he's just another paycheck... a waste of taxpayer's money.
for more details, go to helga's blog tomorrow or later maybe... i'm not sure when it will be available but i'm pretty sure she'll narrate everything.

went to SM, got squishy's present... hmm.... how to give wrap it...

went home later than usual, was here past 7...

househelp wasn't at home when i got here. apparently, she left without asking permission from my bro. i swear, my patience is running out... she's leaving on the 23rd, dunno if it's for a vacation or not. whatever, everyone's patience is running out.

EXPLAIN

si helga... umm... helga... why can't you let go? tara, sabay tayo. let's let go...

you aagin, creature i used to love... just so you'd know i don't really hate you... i just don't wish to see you or speak to you or do anything related to you... we'll eventually be friends again, but not now...

um, helga, let's let go na... bye bye balloons!!!

2002-12-11T23:51:00.000-08:00
3:13 PM 12/12/02
szia!
gledelig jul!

so what do you think, hufflepuff, eh?!

HAPPENINGS

continued packing our stuff today... who'd have thought i got this much stuff?!

was packing my treasured pictures earlier... sniff sniff...

we're out of friggin boxes, now we can't even start with all the china. if we don't get started now, when the hell are we going to finish?!

got rid of a lot of shoes, reconciled with a lot of stuffed toys... brings back old memories... sniff sniff...

mother has fallen for country style...

speaking of mother, father has just asked me to do what he always asks me to do: think of a present for mother.

he already got her bags, perfume, make-up... and he never even worked a brain cell.
the hell am i supposed to do?! help!!!
mother is also asking for help for father's present.

presents!!!

i can't wait to go christmas shopping for squishy, and tc minus helga (i already gave helga's present) and dearest and dit and ja and mawsy.... i think i'll get allie a present too, despite our "no talking" issue...

ooohhh, i forgot... honk too... and the amorosos...

that's it... gotta go...

viszontlatasra!

nemsokara talalkoztunk!!!

szeretlek...

2002-12-11T02:34:00.000-08:00
6:23 PM 12/11/02
geia sou!

didn't go to school today...
woke up wishing i never told my mom that we had classes today.
told her everyone conspired to skip school today.
she said she thinks i'm losing the fire to study.
I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!
if i knew there were stuff to learn today, i swear i would have gone to school.

kelly...
i dunno what to do anymore!
i lied to mother about yesterday, told her we went but didn't meet anyone.
she put her foot down and told me i shouldn't make plans for tomorrow or saturday.
we're moving...

started packing my memories...
meaning, letters, notes, gifts, pictures, tissues, tickets, whatnot...
i saw some things i know i have let go of but i still can't part with them physically.
i wonder if i'll enjoy the new room... it's bigger...
mother asked me if i wanted a rattan couch for my room, sort of an extra bed.
okay... for who?!
it would be one of duane's excuses to sleep in my room.
can't wait to be with my nephew, though.

reading a new book, The King Must Die...
it's about theseus, i'm liking it.
but i think i liked Firebrand more.

geia hara!

2002-12-10T03:49:00.000-08:00
8:46 AM 12/7/02
guten tag!
mele kalikimaka!

HAPPENINGS

still not speaking to my groupmates.

spent the week out of school, except last tuesday.

wish i could be the one
the one who could give you love
the kind of love you really need
wish i could say to you
that i'll always stay with you
but baby that's not me
you need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
promise you forever
baby that's something i can't do
i could say that i am all you need
but that would be a lie
i know i'd only hurt you
i know i'd only make you cry
i'm not the one you needed
i love you, goodbye...
i hope someday you can
find someway to understand
i'm only doing this for you
i don't really wanna go
but deep in my heart i know
it's just he kindest thing to do
you'll find someone
who'll be the one that i could never be
give you something better
than the love you'll find with me
i could say that i am all you need
but that would be a crime
i know i'd only hurt you
i know i'd only make you cry
i'm not the one you needed
i love you, goodbye
leaving someone when you love someone
is the hardest thing to do
when you love someone as much as i love you
well i don't wanna leave you
baby it tears me up inside
but baby i'm not the one you needed
i love you, goodbye
baby it's never gonna work out
i love you, goodbye...

to go or not to go?
gale daw kami...
actually they're in qsci na...

6:43 PM 12/10/02

just got through my laziness...

no classes today, but i went to school for some official school business...
friggin crap. we weren't able to go. ma'am erps said teachers were too damn busy distributing food for the journ creatures.
tc went to carpark instead, we ate at tokyo...
tokyo tokyo... reminds me of a time and place i seem to have left behind. friggin crap. i'm more than glad to have left that time... was so mababaw then, didn't know what happiness meant. i'm happier now.

happiness...
last sunday we went out. mother, father, moi and freaky brother. baby bro was in nova, so iit was just the four of us. i honestly didn't want to go out that day, i just wanted to go to gannies' homes as usual. ate all the dumplings i wanted, watched a really dumb movie (like mike), bought sandals and went to nova.
i finished SCARLETT (not scarlett letter, it was a sequel to Gone With the Wind) at nova, GRABE!!! first part of being happy, really good ending! better than gone with the wind! the depression, my depression, brought about by gone with the wind was overcome by scarlett...
on our way home, i didn't sleep at all! i mean, that's unusual because i always sleep in the car, whether the drive is 10 minutes or 10 days!
anyway, while i was sitting there, looking at what i do not know, i realized i was extra pleasant lately... then it hit me: I AM HAPPY.

school... ahhh, sweet school... i missed studying. a week's rest made me feel... dumb. glad i went back.

squishy news
i don't love the guy, but don't get me wrong. i really do like him, in fact i'm more than willing to have him, but tottie would understand, i don't love him.

i resumed my flirting... talked to him about the gift thing... i'll be going on a trip to filbars to get him some jordan card... he asked me which twisted book i wanted, 5 or 6? (uy, may 6 na... hirit ni dino) i said 6... much simpler that way.

just a thought, should i wrap my present for him, despite the fact that he already knows about it? i mean, it's not like i'm giving it to helga... if it were helga i'd wrap it because she understands my standards on the presents i give... they're all supposed to be wrapped, because they're from me.but squishy wouldn't understand that, he never will! he doesn't know me that well yet...

we performed the music and health thing... of course he's my groupmate so we were working togather again. he drew, i wrote. loving teamwork... some people who saw me working on it made hirits like, o, diba yan yung ginagawa ni squishy kanina? anyway, turns out we only needed to submit the music thing. good thing. i kept the other picture he drew...

while performing the music thing, another kakilig thing happened. i was standing in the middle, and slowly i moved backward so as to make space for ate che. then, i realized he was right behind me when i felt him on my back... sort of an Aeneas and Cassandra encounter... helga alone can understand... soon enough sheila...

hmmm.... what else? i want to get everything out now...

i got helga a present already... a Natsumi and Tokairin (forgive the spelling) thing... sort of a present for good luck with nokyo.

auf wiedersehen!

ooh, wait..... i really want this out....

you, creature i've loved for so long... the last few months i thought i missed you. i felt i did, too. i also thought it was bad for me, you know, missing you. i now realize it was very good for me, in fact one of the best things ever. i'm glad you moved on, i'm really happy for you. i hope you do try to make yourself happy, now that i am happy... looking back, i see how stupid and pathetic i was when i was with you. i hope you never remember that "me" again. i don't know why i was so scared to lose you, i can see i never really needed you...you're a great person and i hope you make it to greatness...do me a favor and don't run back to me when you realize you just might need me, i really do enjoy my life as it is... just stick to our old memories, as i would do if ever i feel like i need you. geia hara...

2002-12-01T18:33:00.000-08:00
8:52 AM 12/2/02
ola!
joyeux noel!

it is the second day of december.
i could clearly feel the chill of christmas time, and i'm filling my body with hot tea.
i am trying to convince my body to start working normally. i was successful at making it stop having fever, but i'm still having trouble breathing. breathe through the nose and it's clogged, stuff it with vicks and it hurts. breathe through the mouth and it itches, swallow saliva and the nose hurts again. i just love this...... tea tea tea.... wait i'll get some more.

i'm back with more tea!

okay... where shall i start?

YOUTH CAMP
ola served!
daryl and dennis were there, and they enjoyed, i could tell.
i'm quite happy.
he was only there for quite a while...
left earlier sunday for the interview at DZMM

wish i could be the one
the one who could give you love
the kind of love that you really need...

DZMM
met diane maling at 1.
met ms carmona at 2.
was at dzmm at 3.
masci was ther too. two projects, two representatives each and a really annoying teacher.
i was trying my best to be pleasant, i really was! i mean, i just forgave my groupmates (although they do not know that yet) but that annoying creature that is their teacher was really RUDE. during the preliminary interview of the co-host (whom i shall refer to as the lost soul), while i was explaining the project, that annoying creature that is their teacher took out her TABLOID and pretended to read while whispering stuff to her students, probable about me. poor creatue, she's been a teacher for god knows how long (she looks really old) and still she cannot practice basic ettiquette... good thing i chose qsci over masci.
mother was the one who noticed. she made sure she'd get her for that.

i think she did.

on our way to the studio, my mom asked one of the masci students, "are you from 4-einstein?" (background: Einstein is supposed to be masci's highest section)
"no, we're from 3-lavasier," (note: i'm not sure how it's spelled) answered the student.

so anyway my mom told that rude and annoying creature that is their teacher that mother was a masci graduate. that rude and annoying creature that is their teacher asked why a masci graduate will have a daughter in qsci. my mom said:

"she passed the exam in masci but we gave her the freedom to choose and she said MAS MAGANDA SA QSCI."

now that rude and annoying creature that is their teacher finally SHUT UP.
that, however, was not the end of her rudeness and arrogance.

so at the studio, masci was interviewed first. both projects were clearly done outside their school, and i sincerely doubt that they performed anything themselves. the projects were okay, but honestly, i think anthony dofitas' project was much better than theirs. they simply performed confirmatory projects for possibilities... they were good, and if those things really did come from the students, then i must commend them since they were only juniors. however, it doesn't look like that at all.

that rude and annoying creature that is their teacher kept butting in on the students' discussions of their projects! and goodness, she apparently knows the methodology by heart! and she kept on including herself in everything! kami ang gumawa nito, kami gumawa niyan... since when were teachers allowed to make investigatory projects as well?!

URGH! you should have seen the way i looked at that rude and annoying creature that is their teacher. you should have seen how ms carmona looked at that rude and annoying creature that is their teacher... like mymom said about us, NANLILISIK ANG MGA MATA...

when it was our turn for the interview, my mom was asked to join us in the interview. gosh, she has every right to be there, she has done nothing but support me in this project.

anyway, the lost soul was another annoying figure. she kept on mixing stuff up. actually i was annoyed at her the moment we stepped in for the preliminary interview. not to mention she went, picture here, picture there, and she was ALWAYS in the pictures.

before we were formally introduced in the radio, that rude and annoying creature that is their teacher kept on blabbing and making lots of RUDE noises with the other masci students. mother signaled one of the students to buzz off because the lost soul was getting annoyed too. they left.

diane was first to be interviewed. then moi. i can't really say what happened when i was being interviewed, except that the lost soul kept on saying 'what is the implication' instead of application and that they were overwhelmed. i have no idea what they meant by that .

after the interview, diane had a caller from some polytechnic university. he was shoved off by ms carmona.

wish i could say to you
that i'll always stay with you
but baby that's not me
you need someone willing to give her heart and soul to you
wants you forever
baby that's something i can't do
i could say that i am all you need but that will be a lie
i know i'd only hurt you
i know i'd only make you cry
i'm not the one you needed
i love you, goodbye

AFTER DZMM
we dropped diane and ms carmona off at west ave then we went to church in sto domingo. we thought dad was there, but apparently, when we got there, he wasn't. mom didn't realize that what dad meant was STP, not sto domingo.

after the mass, we picked dad up. he said i was really good. he asked why we didn't greet him, not even when mother was asked to greet. EXPLANATION: hindi ako jologs. i was there for an intelligent interview. it would be unintelligent to greet like you're in INDAY BADIDAY's show.

in the car, on our way to the family dinner, these lines filled the car:
ang galing galing talaga bebegel!!!
very authoritative tone, you really knew what you were talikng about.
ang galing galing, hindi na nagppaupause para mag-isip.
hindi ka nagsstutter, walang um, ano, ekek...
i am so proud of you!
congratulations!
BAT NAMAN HINDI MO KO BINATI?!

finally arrived at the restaurant in timog where the whole family was already waiting. when i stepped out of the car, i saw through the clear windows my whole clan looking at me as if i was the only one they were waiting for. i found out that most of them were waiting by the radio in the family house waiting for my interview. o dear...

as i entered the restaurant, relatives were hugging me and telling me how proud they are of me, how happy they felt when they heard me, basically the lines i heard from dad in the car... it's so nice to see them so supportive... made me feel really good.

DINNER
oyster cake. squid cooked with a whole lot of veggies. seafood cooked in a lot of veggies. veggies veggies veggies. chicken chicken chicken. fish fish fish. in other words, with fish as an exception, the food i ate were either anti-tottie or anti-helga.
dessert: buchi, purple jelly and a whole lot of depressing lecheflan.
afterdessert: TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA TEA....
i drank so much tea that my cousin got really tired of pouring me tea. she said i should just get a dtraw and drink from the pot. can i help it if i need hot stuff that would make me pee a lot?!

oh well... i'm through.

i'm still at home, i didn't go to school because i need rest...
TEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEATEA!!!!

adeus!

ps. we're galego--from galicia in spain.

2002-12-01T16:50:00.000-08:00
7:40 AM 11/24/02
Hej!
HAPPENINGS

passed as a finalist for the science fair.
TAK, LORD!!!

(danish)

it is now 12:36 AM 11/26/02
hoi!

just came from YFC facilitator's training/service meeting...
guess who was there? urgh... so cute!!!
i never thought it would be possible to serve with him again.
ay, que cute!!!

give to the Lord what you cannot afford

in more relevant areas...
today is my final defense. in a few hours, after i sleep, i will face the world of xienxia again. i know i did my best in this project, but i also know it's not as good as many other projects. oh well.
they said a real dna expert would be an evaluator. i'm so scared.
so many people are expecting that i would get to the top 3, or at least the top 5. it's so hard to disappoint them.
but anyway, it's all for the lord...

wondering why i'm still on the pc at this hour, several hours before my final defense?
because i'm giving to God what i cannot afford--my time.

the whole weekend i was thinking whether i should attend the meeting a few hours ago (technically yesterday) or not. my mind was saying no since i have to practice my defense speech ekek... but then last monday in the science fair mass, the gospel was about the widow who gave her everything-- who gave what she could not afford. that was the clearest answer i could get.

whatever happens later today-- bahala ka na lord. this is all for you...

YOUTH CAMP
i wish some of my tc friends would come...
ola will serve, yipee!!!
she said she really wants to because she feels she can't connect anymore. i think that's my reason too. there's so much to be thankful for--this project, my family, my friends-- goodness, i'm very happy with my life right now. that's enough reason to be grateful!!!
i wish naneng and helga could join...
i really do....

SCHOOL
school's fine. i'm exhausted, but i'm ok...
i do wish to be in the top three, but i have a strong feeling i won't be. many people worked harder than i, and i think they deserve to win too.
i'm restless again... anyway, it's all offered to You...

FAMILY
i'm really finding father malabo...
mother is as supportive as ever...
i have a feeling they will both be disappointed if i don't win in the sci fair... especially mother who has been going here there and everywhere for me... nakakahiya na.
daryl doesn't want to go to xienxia. i know it. i also know he doesn't want to leave ange. he's found his happiness there. i didn't. besides, i wanted to be a scholar. i wanted to walk head high showing my intelligent-looking uniform. i wanted to make sure i'd be off with a head start. i wanted to be an independent girl. i now am.
duane is regressing. i dunno why.
lola and lolo and everyone at sierra are taking good care of me.
edg is so cute.

RED BANANA
i've yet written anything other than my thesis write-up and these blog entries. after this i swear i'd start writing.

SQUISHY BANANA
lately, to me, is non-existent.
i'm too busy with research.
i just realized that i don't love him yet.
if i did, i wouldn't be so caught up with this project and my yfc.
he's a nice friend, though.

I AM SLEEPY.
see you tomorrow.

dag!

(Flemish)

it is now 6:03 PM 11/28/02
tere!

today was the closing ceremonies for the science fair.

flashback: yesterday

final defense with three of the top researchers available.

one of them was the girl from NSRI, as in the one i met when i went to the DNA department... her first question: how were you able to contact michael? (purugganan)

went ok, was sooooooo informal. nobody from my team was there to support me, julie was with her friends, alli thought they weren't allowed to stay there, the boys were out of sight, except for christian who wanted to give me the ohp transparencies. i just love my group, don't you?

later when they were torturing us with the results, at least julie was there. points for her.

talked to jenny while waiting for the announcements. she said i had every right to speak up to my groupmates because i'm the reason why they made it to the top 14.

eight projects chosen-- i'm in.

art said bilib na sya sakin.
cj was asking if it's true.
mike and jester were non existent.
alli was in annex. she was told by aaybee.

back to today

came in at 715...
alli met me at the stairs and congratulated me. said she wanted to go up the stage and get a medal.

spent the morning feeling sick-- ate melon, drank melon juice, took dianna's chewable paracetamol. i have a fever and i have dry cough.

dearest and i spent the morning inside ed4. started reading hp4.

twelve thirty mother was there. earlier she begged me to let her come for the awarding ceremony. i did.

we ate hotdog sandwiches. covered court at 1, an hour later they finally started. felt so stupid-- no one was there to support me at all except for my mom. not even the six people who made it to the top eight without ever making their brains work. i started texting my friends to come and support me. really low and pathetic. mawsy came.

i would like to give mawsy my most sincere THANK YOU for standing by me in my time of need.

i was called in fifth place. only five projects were chosen. buti na lang i landed on fifth, otherwise mom's presence would have been wasted.

the whole group was called. no one but me went there. i have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. i mean, that's the least they could have done--support me there. i have never been this angry before... i could cry, but not yet. i'm too sick to cry.

i think i can now answer jenny's question yesterday. she asked, "don't you ever feel like exploding?" this is an explosion.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THEIR PATHETIC APOLOGIES.

i won't speak to them yet, until this hatred melts. i won't give them their certificates and medals-- i'll leave that to ma'am vida. everything will be through ma'am vida. i'm too... sick.

julie said she was there-- i never spoke to her (and she's mad because of that) but i'll give her points for that.
alli was seen in her civillian clothes.
the boys were limited to just looking at me.
I HATE THIS.

i don't care whether they hate me for that or whatever... i've been too kind for more than a year to mind what they think. i've spent too much time for this project, i've robbed my parents' money and i abused myself just to get here. I AM VERY HAPPY, I JUST ACHEIVED SOMETHING. they took advantage of me and made me look so stupid. i can't even stand to breathe the same air as they. the mere thought of them makes me want to VOMIT.

they say that regrets are always in the end... this is my only regret: I STAYED WITH MY GROUP EVEN WHEN EVERYONE WANTED ME TO DISPOSE OF THEM. parasites, as someone called them.

gotta finish the grades.

head aega!

(eesti otherwise known as estonian)

it is now 8:26 AM 11/29/02
hei!

sort of sick... printing the ids now...

got to talk to rach last night, then dearest and samantha.
once again, THANK YOU!!!

samantha especially.
faleminderit. blagodaria. gracies. tak. dank u. bedankt. dank je. aitah. kiitos. gracinias. danke. danke schon. efkharisto. koszonom. takk. go raibh maith agat. grazie. paldies. dekoju. blagodaram. takk. obrigada. hvala. gracias. tack. tesekkurler. tesekkur ederim. dankie. mahadsanid. enkosi. ndiyabulela. dhonnobad. dhanyavad. arigato. go ma wyo yo. nanri. dhanyavadalu. toda. merci beucoup. maraming salamat. thank you very much.

nakemiin!

(suomea or finnish)

2002-11-21T03:36:00.000-08:00
Ei!

i was a fool to ever leave your side
me minus you is such a lonely ride
the break up we had has made me lonesome and sad
i realized i love coz i want you back
i spent the evening with the radio
regret the moment that i let you go
i quarrel in such a way you'd love me so much
i know now that i love you coz i need your touch

it's been... ages...
HAPPENINGS

today was the mini science congress...

i had quite a day yesterday, actually.
went to school, asked mother to get me out of the friggin campus...
while waiting for mother i tried to use the incompetent library...
damn librarian won't even let me in because my library card didn't have a picture.
friggin crap.
WE'RE ALL FRIGGIN XIENXIANS!!!

went home, did final modifications on the research write up for the defense.
rushed to school to meet deadline for registration--2 pm.
at 1, i was still at the lrt.
BTW, lrt from here to monumento is just 2 pesos...
i swear, they'd better fix the damn system.
why can't they make the magnetic cards as efficient as the MRT cards?!

was in school by 2.
sweatin' like hell.
registered successfully.
i asked mrs santiago if my project stood a chance.
she said it was up to me.
i asked her what she thought.
she said she was counting me in her premonitioned top 15...
LORD, SANA NGA PLEASE!!!

went to sierra, played with edgy boy...
i took a pic from ate lara's collection--me & edgy boy... cute...
when auntie (as in lola auntie who is a PhD on Forensic Chemistry and other Chem stuff) came home, i bugged her.
bugged her bout my write up.
i was working on my defense script then, actually.
she did make several corrections, marked by her words, "HONEY, SIGURO..."
her corrections were merely on terms and stuff.
found them ok, though.
she didn't give corrections on the project itself, WHY?!?!?!
she just said that the write up was good, and that i had more direction than her graduate students.
i wonder how long it's been since she last read a research paper.
maybe it was back in the 60's, so she sees mine as a magical thing.
or maybe it was just good.
not amazing, but ok.
ok.
love story ok.
did i mention she was amazed with how i presented the results?
i actually felt as if i acheived something significant--ON MY OWN!!!

urgh, today...
i went to school, armed with my perfectly practiced defense script.
i brushed up my related lit once, and i didn't feel like doing it again.
dunno why. maybe i was actually confident enough... um, one word for that:KAPAL.
prior to the activity, it was arranged that the bio group would be last to defend, and i got the last number, so i was supposed to be the last--the VERY LAST.

got to the conference hall and found out that mrs. s would pick defenders at random.
guess who the hell got picked first?
i was just seated with my group, waiting for the program to start. then i saw them... my classy pink folders... friggin science club guy was holding them, waiting for the right time to distribute them to the judges.
okay... guess what you sick bitch, you're up first. do this right or kill yourself.
i guess tomorrow i shall find out whether this is or isn't my last blog ever.

i stood up, went on stage, took the microphone from our beloved adviser(see explain), stood on the podium, put my copy of the write up in front of me, and waited for the go signal.

TC-naneng was at the back, seated in what i'd like to refer to as "CR SEATS".
they were waving the "squishy wave" at me... if you're reading this, please know that i appreciated that... it made me feel better, a bit more confident.
and then i started, and i finished. with flying colors, according to the humans. dunno if i should believe them. the results tomorrow would tell.

all three evaluators spoke, one line each.

E1:i'm not very familiar with your project, but what exactly is the DNA for?

the yeast genome is already sequenced, so further studies in genetics can be developed from this. also, the yeast genome is actually very much similar to the human genome, so we can use this as a basis for human genetics. for example, we can take a part of that genome and put it in human genome to protect us from certain diseases. this genetic tranformation has already been done in corn plants--they inserted part of the yeast genome to the corn genome and the corn plant was protected from certain parasitic diseases.

E2:i was amazed with your project but maybe you could use another extractant since the difference in the results were significant

thank you for that suggestion.

E3:and also maybe if you add more samples, you can get a significant difference.

thank you for that suggestion, we will consider that.

sat down, listened to ayson fight back the evaluators' recommendations...
dofitas and his interesting accent...
supnet and her... um... supnet and the word "successful"... poor rach and mel... ola too... jane too... oh, the word "shit" as well... helga would have feasted with the quotable quotes, too bad she was too tired to listen.
maling and her TIGAS...

through out the time i was seated, squishy would rise up from his slouching position to go, "hi fe! hi fe!" (with the squishy wave)... iceageman was doing freaky smiles again...

went down, FINALLY!!!

ma'am erps commended me on my performance... i was the best among the 5 daw... uh... how i wish!

ernest, jenny & kc went, galing mo fe... other people too.

i guess the only galing part i know i did was i answered all the questions (duh! there was only one!) correctly and i didn't even need time to think... also i never uttered the any of the following syllables: um, uh, a, etc. i never even paused to think... was doing it as if i were debating on how great jessica zafra is.

passing through the middle aisle to get to the CR seats... when i passed by iceageman, he extended his hand for a shake... for some reason, it made me feel a lot more confident... everyone who knew me commended me on my defense... just one question... it must have been so good! hello?! not one of them was in the field of biology... my project is on bio chem, the chem part was apprehended, but the bio part was not... IOW they had no right to question my methodology...

got to tc at the cr seats... tottie was trying to sleep, helga was reading, abbie was reading, hanna was just sitting, sheila was reading...

the day went by, with people congratulating me for something i do not know what... mustn't have been the defense, since they had no idea what the results were... dearest said i was... well, i... did my best. she said i was confident, and poised, and smart, and stuff... i hope so...

squishy made lots of landi... but he was with GIRL most of the time... friggin crap, this day ain't about him!

this day is about my acheivement as a student...

whether i made it to the top 15 or not, i know i accomplished something... i worked on this project with all my might... i spent time on this, i actually did! helga, paige and she were right... i should have dropped my groupies and took them in instead... there they are, projectless... while my groupmates have 51% chances to be free from research for the rest of the year... lucky them...

i swear, i'm very grateful for this project... top 15 or not... as my family say, THANKS LORD!

now all i can do is pray that i get in the top 15...

went home...

i'm going to the ncr fancy drills competition... GO NANANG GO NANENG GO!!! sure hope her jong would be there...

btw, my mom asked for the exact details of the day...
she gave me details of her day too... mostly they were about me.
she talked to auntie about me. auntie said she was very proud of me... and mom should be too... and she is...
apparently auntie was very impressed with my write up. she said she's so happy that I CAN APPRECIATE CHEMISTRY MORE... helga, i know... i feel like peuking too.

this is interesting: auntie said, "buti na lang matalino anak mo, at NORMAL..."

mom laughed. di daw ako normal.

excuse me! normal ako no! i'm just as fun loving as any other human in the planet! DISCO NA NGA TAYO!!! HINAYUPAK NA MYXMO KASI YAN E, UBOS AGAD TICKETS... I'LL SHOW THE WORLD NORMAL!!!

btw, NORMAL is relative...
iow, i am normal compared to helga whose extreme intelligence made her so intimidating iow amazona; but not so normal compared to my yfc friends whose courses revolve around fine arts and industrial design...

anyway...

EXPLAIN!!!

hinayupak! our beloved adviser has shamed us again! she was the mc of the mini sci congress... she made lots and lots of CORNY hirits and she was able to give helga enough quotable quotes to last her a lifetime writing... too bad helga wasn't too attentive... urgh! i swear, OBA said stuff like, "we will introduce the next batch... after lunch, hehe" and at the end of the program she made the whole batch do yet another "exercise"--iow corny things they make me do at my sanity counselling sessions--"i did my best...blah...blah...blah... to start the journey to excellence"

why the hell was squishy so likeable today?! i mean, first he says hi to me while iwas on stage for at least five times. then he goes all the way upstairs to get my blue jacket coz i was feeling so cold and sick... then he say hi and makes pa-epal while i was eating lunch... also when i was with iceageman at the fire exit... um, WHY?!?!?!? is he not aware that further actions in the same line would drive me dead down CRAZY?!?!?!

this would be new...
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

i just want to say gracies to the people who helped me get through this...
mother for heeding my every call...
father for heeding with mother...
my list of advisers abroad...
internet, t'esim, internet...
the people who commended my efforts...
naneng and dearest who wasted a peso to wish me luck with my defense...
alli for letting me practice on her...
val, kris, kevs, and jogs for letting me practice on them...
squishy for making me smile...
auntie for making me feel so smart...
my cardigan for making me feel confident...
tc and squishy for giving me confidence...
everybody who gave out an astonished look upon hearing the word DNA from my lips...
my cds...
dearest for sending me this:

once more...
nagbalik nanaman ang perFEct look...
hehe...
happy ka nanaman...
you deserve it.
sana maging best defender ka or sumthin'...

Adeu!

PS... we're catalan today--part of spain...

2002-11-09T05:08:00.000-08:00
zdravei!
HAPPENINGS

woke up for the meralco essay thingie... dressed up, dunno why... freaky thing... see below.

damn meralco people were an hour late. i feel like i just betrayed the trees... sayang talaga sa papel...

went to sm with ali and tottie... tottie left for gale, ali for riq. i stayed and bought beads...

on my way home, nagdrama... as in... madrama...

got home, ate fish, watched my 6-hour tape of anime... dami ko na pala na-tape... may slam dunk -- japanese and tagalog, ayashi no ceres, gensomaden saiyuki, boys be... gwabeh... i also worked on !@#$%^&**&^#$$#$^!!!! pinoy notebook... made really long dna earings, blue... made the bracelet i'm wearing right now...

it takes too long to learn to live alone.
damn. i've mastered that.

i wanted to go to WB5's youth camp tonight for support... syempre hindi ako natuloy, zle! i think part of me was pulling the other half back kc i knew i would only make landi and i really shouldn't do that...

i thought that i was free of you but i was wrong.

mom and i talked about collegiate plans in the car on our way to school. dad really has a problem with me leaving home for college. PROBLEM: i wanna go.

it's not that i want to leave them because i don't love them or anything, but... how do i explain this... well, if you're reading this then you must know me... and if you know me you would know that my nature is to be independent... eg... my couzins don't want to live with my gramma anymore after they experienced life in the states... they wanna go back to PI but not to lola's house... i want to be free... i want to put my responsibility to the test... i need to go... i really do. otherwise, i'd be just like susan surrandon in anywhere but here... desperate to leave and never come back. i don't want to be like that and i know that the more i get supressed the more rebellious i will be. i think my mom knows i want to go. she also knows my dad will really freak out and hit the roof of this four storey structure.

i'm listening to cruisin 2 females....

"it seems i've spent my whole life waiting for love, and when it comes i always run away..."
so true...

EXPLAIN

how come my parents make such a big fuss about the meralco thing? i mean, um... why the hell?!

why was i making drama again? i feel so... helpless. i'm not helpless, i can't be helpless... i may not be as amazona as helga but i've always considered myself to be strong...

a certain sadness... i'm sad... sadness...

too late in fall for april showers...

for squishy
dobar vecher. kak si? chustwam se zle...molia... molia... urgh!
note: learn bulgarian...

2002-11-09T03:53:00.000-08:00
c'kemi! mirembrema!
HAPPENINGS

lately lang econ. research is... full of figures. filipino sucks, and i ain't dancing! unless, of course, i do what helga did. chem is still chem. math is hell. creative just sucked my creativity away. physics is alright, if i were an only student. pehm is filled with ka-jologsan. english requires me to go to school at 8 tomorrow for the essay writing thing. people are wishing me good luck... see below...

squishy news.
Darling tell me now, have i done wrong somehow, that you won't look at me?
Needn't point it out, can't keep my wits about, when you won't look at me...
Is there something i ought to know you're finding hard to say?
Well there's just a trace hiding on your face, and i've learned it that way...
Just another soul that really knows my soul, and you won't look at me...
Does that take the prize, how much i love those eyes, and they won't look at me.
Now the rain has gone (literally) but something lingers on that certain sadness here, now that the sky is clear...
And it's all so clear to me now...

gets nyo?
wala na.
ma'am erps' readings had expired...
he's not looking at me anymore...

it's making me nuts.
i think the only one thing that remained right about ma'am erps' reading is the dua... tc people, dua is an albanian word for the first thing ma'am mentioned in the reading...
i wouldn't be this crazy i didn't... i think... Urgh. see below...

i watched maalaala mo kaya last night... urgh... see below...

cat sucks.

political news... este, classroom news...
coup de etat.
tyrannic upheaval.
some brainless humaniods should really... um... seek serious professional help.
i don't know where to stand.
help.

i was wearing type b when i went to lola's house. my brother daryl answered the door. when he opened the gate, he saluted me, as his way of teasing me... grrr...

fun part... i mean, neurotic part:
EXPLAIN

why are people wishing me good luck for the essay writing contest tomorrow? i mean it's sweet and all, and i am flattered... but why?

lately i found myself really feeling down due to squishy... ah, squishy... te latem, te dua... i've found myself looking at him with eyes that wish he'd look at me. then, all of a sudden, i find myself looking at the floor, shamefully... i can't look at squishy anymore. i feel like i've destroyed myself for him... i feel like i'm making moves to get them apart. it sucks. i don't hate the girl. i wish i'd have her guy, but i don't hate her. may people do, though. back to my point: i can't seem to control my emotions. why?

maalaala... you know how there are two parts of me? rational and irrational. IOW mind and heart. when i watch stuff on tv, i usually use my rational side. when i watched the episode treehouse, i saw myself being ruled by the irrational part. i can't get it out of my system anymore. i blame you, squishy banana!!! i was kilig, i was crazy. i want squishy. why?!

ok... i need to call helga the baseball girl and rach... Ndihem keq... i'm albanian today...
mirembrema...

2002-11-05T03:25:00.000-08:00
oi!
HAPPENINGS
ap... non existent... i went to panget, we had a heart to heart... guy needs to collect his thoughts... did i mention he made me a description too? i was honored when i read it.
res... i'm trying to be as nice as i can to certain people... but i can't seem to hide it anymore... i've been annoyed by pretend stupidity before, but this morning, i felt as if i'd explode! Aaargh! i respect you as a person, my dear, but will you please put an end to that ridiculous tone you use when speaking in public? it really makes you look stupid... like a pa-cute brainless thing... i know for a fact that you're not dumb, so please... i'm running out of patience too...
break... dami namin lahat kinain! i ate a slice of choco fudge cake and a cup of macaroni in spag sauce... sheila and naneng ate a whole lot more... naneng had a donut, siopao, and the pasta. sheila had two ensaymadas and the pasta... in fact she almost had two...
fil... you know what? i really hate the subject... i've always hated it, like, ever! imagine how much i despise the subject now that we have a really pa-epal teacher and an equally pa-epal student teacher... this could very well be one of the books of the red banana monologues... REASONS WHY I HATE FILIPINO... we were again, dismissed ten minutes after the time...
chem... right after we got dismissed, our beloved adviser (whom i shall now refer to as OBA since i'm getting pretty tired of typing) appeared on our door, sand with the annoyingly angry face said, "if you're not there (hell... i mean chem lab) within three minutes..." and we were off. goodness, ang bagal niya ha! Urgh... annoying little !@#$%^&*... apparently the main cause of her annoyance is that someone reported her to an authoritative figure (whom i cannot stand) about her taking over our free time to make up for chem (as in the classes we missed) due to her habbitual tardiness... okay... true enough, the world was outraged whenever she wants us to go to her during our free time. but we're not that doid to report it to that authoritative figure... i mean, goodness! who could stand talking to that... that... that...
i honestly believe that no one really told that first hand. i think someone from our class happened to mention that to someone and she was overheard or that someone happened to be a teacher who saw the fault of OBA and reported her to that... Urgh!
math... i saw that i had two 11.5/25 marks in long tests and one failed short quiz... the rest were damn high...
aftermath... we were actually expecting physics with our pricipal--er--- champion of champions... she never came.

EXPLAIN

verna seems to think that i actually am in love... with him?! Urgh. i admit, i am affected by him and you know who... but I AM NOT IN LOVE!!! i have so much to do, so much to think about...

why is it, that all of a sudden, i have the urge to go and do things i'm not supposed to do? i have moved on... AND THIS IS NOT RELATED TO SQUISHY!!! but i think i'm again re-considering him... but i've moved on, we've moved on... is he sucking me to the past again, or am i sucking him back to what we went through? goodness... i feel like we're both trying to go back... and i honestly don't want to... i'm not sure he really wants to either, and I'VE MOVED ON! can't we at least respect that? we need to... both of us. i'm not asking you to go away, just... no, i need to go away... it's the only thing that works, i must leave you again... but you'll always be in my heart... i'll always love you, you know... you're someone i still consider a friend... a good friend... and i'll miss you... if you can read this, and i doubt you'd be able to, please understand... i don't want to explain this to you anymore... sorry, i'm weak too...

2002-11-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

Which Gilmore Girls Character Are You?
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Gilmore Girls: Whose musical taste do you have?
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2002-11-05T02:04:00.000-08:00

Which Sex and the City Character are you?!
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Which 'Sex And The City' chick are ya?
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2002-11-04T07:41:00.000-08:00
Today, nov. 4, 2002
Heil fepotte!!!
ANNOUNCEMENTS
happy birthday winona!
HAPPENINGS
ap… ma’am gave a long lecture on PDA… nagparinig sya sakin…
“…sinong gusto magkaboyfriend?… … … si fe, malapit na magkaboyfriend…. Yung isa dyan, dapat tumigil na sa kakatingin… walang mangyayari sa patingin tingin dyan…”
“o fe, malapit ka na magkaboyfriend… blah blah blah….”
Res… wala naman…
Fil… stupid test… humirit nga pala ang isa sa mga moronic idiotic blainless amd senseless creatures sakin, “oi, fe, pano kung ako yung tinutukoy ni ma’am erpelo?” kapal… wala ka sa kalingkinan ng pwet nun…
Afterfil… new principal, KABO? Kinahihiya ko ang officials ng DECS NCR, esp. dr. cunanan… whatever happened to professional finesse?
Bonded with dearest, na-hurt k mawsy… issues, issues, issues…
Brent & verna know bout S……..
Afterclasses… dapat punta kme ni mother sa parlor for…. Something…. Napasarap nga lang sya sa paghmamahjong with aunties & grams… she won over a hundred… good for her… took care of Edgy boy… I want a baby to take care of again…

EXPLAIN

sabi ni ma’am malapit na kami ni guy na hinulaan… bkit di nya ko pinansin the whole day?!

2002-11-04T07:39:00.000-08:00
Hello humans!!!
Mahaba ito… be forewarned…
HAPPENINGS
okay… day before field trip… nothing really…
dearest was feeling so irritated because of some”thing”…
did I mention I was finally allowed to go to my first sleepover outside the house? Yep… kina dearest…
I brought everything I needed for the field trip etc. in school. Afterclass, we (darling dit, dearest & I) left school and went to dearest’s house. We left all our stuff (except dit kasi she had to go home) and went to SM for grocery shopping… tita tina (dearest’s tita) was going to make us chicken adobo for the field trip. We decided na dinner yun, so we only bought stuff for pasta kasi yun ang lunch namin. After grocery shopping, darling dit left and dearest and I went to the dept. store to look for a blouse we spent a long time looking for but never found. Tapos we went back to their house. After a while, we realized we forgot to buy mushrooms and we’ve yet found our breakfast drinks… MOCCHA JAVA… we walked all the way to EASY and found nothing but tissue… then we bought the mushrooms from a sari-sari store. When we got near SUPERSALE, we decided to go there and see if the have what we desperately lacked…
In supersale, we didn’t find mocchajava… instead, we found a whole lot of avo people shopping as a class… how…. Ummm…. Anyway, cocc’s there too. Mamang guard whom I felt was being pa-epal made kilatis the rifles. Come to think of it, it’s not logical to take rifles home at a time like this, when people are being terrorized by bombs and stuff… it freaks out the simple-minded. So anyway, dearest and I weren’t able to get our much needed cafeine. I bought melon milk.
When we got back, ww fixed all our baon junkfood, ate dinner (chopsuey YUM!), and cooked our pasta. After cooking, I took a shower, then dearest and I had a dress rehearsal. Ok… cute namin talaga… after that namalantsa kami and we went to bed.

FIELD TRIP DAY!!!!!!!!!!

woke up at 430… Dianna woke me up. She claims that when she was trying to wake me up, I said ”po… po… po…” FYI, that’s how I go when mama dear tries to wake me up in the morning.
Dit came, we left, went to sm. Met other humans. Mwahahaha.

Tottie and I got there first. She reserved the back part, as in the one that can seat 5 humans… 5 kasi kami—helga, moi, paige, hanna, & tottie. Dearest & irina sat sa immediate na kasunod, right side. Dit & purp left side. Cathy came, walang partner, sumama siya samin. 6 na kami…

Abbie came, then han… tapos nung si helga na lang ang hinihintay, we saw her, outside, across the street from the bus, wondering…. Then she was joined by a particular lizard, to her liking. Actually, the lizard, I now realize, looks like the male humans in the movie ICE AGE… watchit…. So after the lizard—helga flirting, they were met by some of our busmates and they were led to the bus. I eventually found out that they had plans to go back to school together… such a shame…

Inside the bus, well… umm… I won’t flow out the details of stuff that I really don’t give a damn about. This part may consist mostly of squishy stuff… another warning…

Squishy. He was makulit again. He was seated somewhere in front, actually, straight ahead from my seat. He often stood up, faced me and went, ”hi fe… hi fe… hi fe…” normally, I would frown and throw something at him, but since ICE AGE MAN and a certain cut creature whom I shall refer to as HONK (tc figure it out… di malalaim) were making pa-epal and started waving and saying hi to me (inggit yung isa dyan dahil k ICE AGE MAN), I had to smile and say hi. Did I mention I finally admitted to helga na crush ko pa si squishy?

We had an annoying tour guide named EDGY… how sad, he’s named like my beloved nephew. His first hirit was, “alam niyo ba kung ilang cities meron sa metro manila?” @@#$%^&&#$@%$#%$^%&$%@$#@^%^%%$#^%#%^#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every so often, squishy would stand up, face me, and go do his hi fe ritual. It’s not as if he could tell I was looking at him, most of the time I was conversing with dit… and besides, how could he see my eyes? I was far back wearing my faithful shades…

Annoying creatures… IOW, idiotic barinless senseless girls from whose lips come nothing but empty brained comments regarding other living creatures with brains. IOW, undoubtedly stupid comments that have practically no remnants of human intelligence. IOW, boys who went to the field trip without paying. IOW, boys whose brains have been so consumed by either drugs or the brain of the drug addict that again, no sense can ever come out of them. IOW, boys whose sense of humor consist only of undeniably idiotic remarks that are supposed to insult other people. IOW, boys who, upon reading this, will propbably suffer ten minutes blank time because their drug abused brains are not capable of analyzinf such data. Oo, ikaw yun.

SBMA… finally… after, I think, 2 ½ hours, probably more. When we got to ocean adventure, we went straight to the sea lion show etc… great show, actually. then to a lecture. Dearest and I battled whether the lecturer was gay or not. I insisted he was gay, she insisted he was not. I eventually won. Then to the gift shop… I saw earings… dangling feather earings… ms erpelo said I should buy it. I didn’t at that moment. We went to the whale show, a good one. Then back to the gift shop. Dearest insisted that I buy them. She even paid for half. I saw squishy buy a black whale stuffed toy. I assumed it was for her.

We went back to the bus, around 1 or so. I was hungry, we were all hungry. We went to the beach. Food… yum yum. I got shells, lots of them. Walked barefoot on the beach for the first time ever. How I wish I had brought swimming clothes. Oh well. We eventually marched off to ms erpelo for tarot reading. In this line-up: cha, anna, third year person, dit, helga, moi, isa, and paige. Did I leave anyone behind? Oh well. Dit was the last one in to be read for in the beach. We followed at the bus. Summaries muna ng iba:
Cha—pathetic. Umaasa siya sa wala.
Anna—happy.
Third year person—care ko.
Dit—omigod, she has a love life! Na turnoff daw sa kasungitan, dapat gumawa ng paraan.
Sa bus…
Helga—hindi daw siya nakikita… (ingay, ingay)… kasi iba daw ang projected image ni helga, hindi daw girl… pero dami opportunities. Kailangan lang ng IMAGE CHANGE.
Moi—later na, mahaba e. pero ms erpelo said, NAKAKAKILIG SIYA…
Isa—dalawa daw kasi e, dapat mamili ng isa.
Paige—dapat daw unti-untiin ang parents kasi sobrang strict.

Okay, okay… first kailangan I-imagine ang face nung guy, tapos naka smile sayo. Before, sa beach pa lang, I assumed na medyo mahirap siya I-imagine so I went to them, and asked him to look at me and smile. Mmwahahaha.

So, ito yung nangyari… first, ma’am smiled… freaky smile. I feared it was because pathetic din, like cha… then she said, hindi, puro positive nga daw e… then she explained. Note that the statements in the parenthisis refer to the people there… tottie, abbie, hanna, cathy, helga, dearest, poip, dit…
--for sure, love mo na talaga yung guy—
(and the crowd cheered… sabi ko na nga sayo fe e… paayaw ayaw ka pa dyan… asssuuu… di na daw crush… e love mo na pala)
--tapos yung guy, andyan lang, tinitingnan ka. Hindi kagaya kay alex, na surpass siya—
(oo nga po ma’am, andyan lang po… papalopalo sa tabi tabi, pa-hi fe hife lang sa tabi tabi)
--ang negative nga lang, may emotional turmoil ka. Kasi sa sobrang bago nung feeling sa’yo, hindi ka mapakali.—
(oo nga po, hindi niya matanggap sa sarili niya…)
--oo, ayun… hindi mo matanggap sa sarili mo na ganun… masyado ka kasing nagiging WEAK…--
(… I get so wak in the knees I could hardly speak…)
--sa totoo lang, nakakakilig siya—
(UUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! FE!!!!!!!!!)
--tapos, eto pa… may humahadlang sa inyo na disillusionment…--
(ay ma’am… alam na namin kung sino yun…)
--ngayon, anong dapat mong gawin? Dapat ipakita mo na hindi ka lang puro serious stuff. Dapat ipakita mo rin na pwede ka sa good time… medyo landiin mo naman siya. Dapat hindi yung “si fe, puro studies lang.” Dapat magpaka sweetie sweetie ka rin, medyo magpaka dalaga… dalaga ka na kasi e, pero medyo dagdagan pa… kasi napapansin ka nga niya—
(oo nga po, ma’am nilalandi din siya… uy fe, paka-dalaga daw! –dapat lumayo ako sayo!— ang yabang!)
--oi, hindi, dapat impluwensyahan mo nga siya e. pero alam mo, yan (referring to my earings)… tama yan. Symbol yan na nagdadalaga ka na. Kaya tama lang na binili mo yan.—

okay… yun na ang bottomline. I paid 5 pesos (dapat kasi ether 5 cents, 25 cents, or 5 pesos)… and I was kilig all over.

Ok… operation image change for me and helga dear… when we got to duty free nagpakalady na kami. When we faced ICEAGEMAN and squishy, we were undeniably nice. I didn’t even hit him when he made papansin.

On our way back, I was still kilig… la lang.

When we got back to SM North, he didn’t even say goodblye to me. Ms Erpelo, however, was giving personal reminders to the people getting down from the bus (I remember last year, that was the ugly tour guide’s job). To the creature in front of me, she said, “uwi agad,” but to me, she said, “O Fe, sa Monday, magdalaga…” she told helga na magdalaga too, but no Monday thingie. Helga said it was probably because ms erpelo knows that it will take a long time for helga…

Helga slept over… we fell asleep at around 230 or 3 am, in the middle of Somewhere in Time. Woke up at 645 to watch Ayashi and YUA2. finished somewhere in time, took baths, played cards, went to alex’s place.

Went to cemetery, went home, woke up next day. went to cemetery, went to sierra for the Lopez Family Official Gaming Day IOW, mahjong for the oldies, cards for us. As far as I’m concerned, I’d only play with chips because I’m a minor and I’m not yet earning my own money… we played cards with chips all afternoon, but when my over 18 cousins came they played with money and I babysat my nephew… my 12 year old brother played with them for a while too… freaky life…

Ahh… enough about that… this has been too long…

EXPLAIN

me? In love? with him? Um, excuse me, I MOST DEFINITELY AM NOT!!! so why the hell would the cards show that?!

2002-10-23T06:01:00.000-07:00
Halo!
HAPPENINGS
yesterday, October 22, 2002, Tuesday
ap… she said we were supposed to have a frigging test. Crap. She made us clear out all the lockers. Boys are now forbidden to use them, the girls can use them in a week. I have tons of crap in my locker, I can’t help it, I have many books, etc… besides, she asked us to bring books for that frigging shelf… and I did bring… crap. I swear, I don’t know exactly what to believe anymore. She says do this and that and then she’ll make your life miserable because you did exactly what she did. CRAP!!!!!
research… non-existent
filipino… she promised not to be there, but she was frigging there.
chem… molecular geometry. Gets ko. I hate her.
Math… frigging long test, I found it so damn easy. Makes me wonder if I was careless throughout…
Aftermath… no CW, sorta slept but didn’t… our beloved adviser went in and saw that the trash was really trashed and asked us to clean it up. We all shouted, TUESDAY CLEANERS!!! no english time. Near dismissal, our beloved adviser went back and saw that the trash was still trashed. She asked us to clean it again, so we all made parinig to a certain creature I would like to refer to as lady… lady, being a sort of ‘selectively deaf’ person, apparently didn’t hear us, no matter how loud we made parinig. Next thing we know our beloved adviser ordered us out of the room. They left, I didn’t. she then took the trash cans and threw the garbage around the room. Afterwards, she pushed all the chairs down so all the books, school/nonschool stuff whatsoever would scatter around. And she did it with the same psychotic face of hers… goodness… five syllables: PSY-CHO-THE-RA-PY… say it with me people: PSYCHOTHERAPY… afterwards she left, but when she realized that we didn’t give a crap about her psychotic outrage, she went back and got our names. Let’s say it all together, humans: PSYCHOTHERAPY… goodness… when we were sure the mental patient was gone, we went inside to check the damages the escaped patient made… goodness, I swear, if she broke just one thing expensive, just one thing, I would have persued her dismissal from the teaching staff of METRO MANILA… oh well, the Lord was kind to her… okay, dear humans. Aside from the psychotic thing, there’s one other thing that really pissed me off… lady, who is a cleaner for that day, was still as dense as ever, leaning on the corridor outside, chitty-chatting with her friends from another section. Goodness…. GOODNESS!!! I wanted to leave ASAP, before I could actually kill someone who irritated me.
After aftermath… went to sierra, played with edg (my nephew) who was so damn cute… went to practice. Goodness… ang taas ng songs! Dapat kasi lalaki kumakanta nun e! but then again, yfc westB9 have NO GUYS WHO CAN SING!!! Finished past 11… got home around 12, finished DLSU stuff, went to bed past 12…

EXPLAIN

How come DECS doesn’t provide teachers with psychological health tests? It is a must, you know…

HAPPENINGS
today, October 23, 2002; Wednesday
woke up at 430 am… slept on my way to school.
ap… she made us copy.
research… went to the canteen. I was hungry, really hungry… but, I saw Ailene Vassilissa Tiburcio Ang. Goodness, it was sort of nice seeing her again, but I didn’t get to eat. Still hungry… ava hugged me and cried… Allison eventually joined us, weird. We bonded until I left them for filipino.
Filipino… no teacher, but we reported anyway.
Chem… more signs of her psychotic disease. Everyone but me didn’t have a homework. Actually, I didn’t do mine at home. I did it yesterday, while she was explaining the friggin lesson. She made them face a partner and raise their hands doing close-open-close-open, which she referred to as clapping… goodness… psychotic… BTW, I just love helga and mascot and everyone else who pissed her off even more… mwahahahahaha… afterwards, we did the friggin activity.
Math… our beloved adviser told ma’am senador about her outrage. I wonder what fraction of what she told her was true… psychotic… we had hyperbola today. I hated ellipse, which is a direct sibling of hyperbola. Goodness… within the first ten minutes of math, verna told me, “fe, mag-CR ka sa first floor sabi ni Dianna.” Ano to?! I’m now being forced to go to the bathroom?!? I was waiting for the right moment to ask to leave, but it came late. While I was waiting for the right timing, I could hear my phone ringing… dearest is so impatient. Went down, dearest, dit and ava bonding, not such a regular sight.
Aftermath… waited for ava, picked up mawsy, had our pics taken by photo journ humans, had lunch at the bleachers with Allison, ava and michael. Bonded with ava for quite some time, then we parted ways. I went back up, saw TC making their bookmarks. I have decided to make red banana bookmarks. I made quite a lot.
Afterclass… talked to jobi and jt about suicide and coup de etat… went with ava and Allison…. Bonded with ava for the last time… went to sm with Allison…. Met with rj, went to buy beads… went home and started typing…

EXPLAIN

why did the psychotic teacher go to class?

Why the hell am I so pissed again? I feel like killing someone…

I want a bear… a big, huggable bear… not so big that it occupies the whole bed. Just big enough to hold.

Is it really possible that a straight guy would pretend to be a homo just for the sake of getting to touch girls? Jobi said it was possible. He gave me a classic example. At first I didn’t wish to believe, but then again, this is jobi… he said those words with conviction… I still can’t believe it. Jt also said that the said guy had a girlfriend prior to high school and that any ‘manyak’ would notice it. Apparently gilbert hates him too. He also said that francis does too… I know riq hates the guy… GOODNESS!!!

How come I dreamt about the house without a kitchen?! Interpreted, it means I’m a person without a heart. Jobi says I have a heart, so what the hell does the frigging dream mean?! I’ll check it out tonight.

Have I changed? I mean, over the years… have I changed? Whether for the better or the worse… well?! Have I?!? I think I have… I’ve become more malandi… more open minded… more mataray…

2002-10-21T04:44:00.000-07:00
hola!
HAPPENINGS
ap... was late today for flag, therefore, no ap... we were asked to clean, but of course, i didn't evn touch the broom... saw ma'am valentin, que horror, que horror!
research... was spent at the canteen, with tc...
filipino... was spent listening to helga, paige, sheila, hanna, tottie & mascot blab about cartoon crap. for special lines from that forrum, see below.
chem... again, she was late. naneng brought ginebra or gin bulag as jessica zafra calls it, one of the HM experiments drank (some), and was seen almost peuking to death... goodness... oh well, thank god he's just an experimental gene combinant... flirted with remo... i have somethin to say about squishy, but then again, not here... too weird...
math... eccentricity of parabola=1... application is almost the same as ellipse. i almost fell asleep.
aftermath... i'm supposed to write a song/poem/ellegy/etc... in memory of a famous dead person... i pick Karen Carpenter... damn, i love her singing... she's the reason why i like sleeping in the afternoon a lot, my voice when i wake up turns to a Karen Carpenter alto... lunch, i had papaya and some carrots, sayote, cabbages, pechay baguio and some other veggies i still don't know... after lunch, went back to room and slept?! forgot.
english... we got a 98 for our work! pano naman kasi, galing nung concept map (c/o me), galing nung layout (c/o helga), tapos cute pa ng mga kasama (c/o paige & sheila)... mwahahaha...
afterclass... naglinis ng onti, hinayupak na mascot yan, di talaga naglilinis, di bale na nga... went home with dit... nakasabay pa si remo and dec... they were on their way to UST for frigging magic cards. geez... i thought it was something legitimate...

EXPLAIN

why is the world so mean to me? i won't be able to go to mike's saturday gig. damn! i feel like crying! i mean, hell... i really wanted to go! i mean, i'm one of their biggest supporters... damn! i even saved for that gig! damn talaga... damn damn damn... what's worse is i can't blame anyone... DAMN DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN!!!!! ANY VOLUNTEERS?!

how come helga, paige & sheila say that i've changed towards squishy? i mean, they said that i suddenly bacame more mataray... and cold... have i?! goodness... helga asked me if it had something to do with my sudden change of mind. actuall, she didn't ask me, she accused me. goodness! i will gladly accept your comments about this issue... i would appreciate it more if you gave proof on your stand, whether you think i have or have not changed... never ever style, IOW you can tell me to my face, or even on the phone, you can write it in a letter, either way, i have to know...

that's all...

APPENDIX A
selected concepts from the cartoon conversation
note: identity of the person/s involved with the following lines are kept confidential, and copyrighted under tropang canteen.

1. gwapo si (derick?!), the guy from swan princess.
2. maganda si oddette, yung swan princess.
3. ang stupid nun. dati, ayaw magpakasal, tapos nung makita lang na maganda, gusto na kagad. ang stupid!!!
4. mas stupid yung sa sleeping beauty, isang araw nagkakilala sila tapos nung gabi kinasal na agad.
5. naiyak ako sa cinderella nung nawala na sya...
6. gwapo yung prince ni snow white sa series.
7. madaming fairy tales na ginawang horror.
8. naiinis ako kasi may mga na-miss akong nakakakilig na episodes nung fairy tale series ng (snow white?!/cinderella?!)
9. sinong mas gwapo, si dumbo o si simba? (at tinanong daw ba ang ibang mga tao...)
10. nagselos ako dun sa dinosaur na naging partner nung dinosaur sa animated disney flick na dinosaur... ang sweet sweet nya kasi e tapos ung girl na dinosaur, grrrr.....
11. ewwwww!!!!! dinosaur?!?!?! yuck...
12. dinosaur?! mwahahahahahahaha... hihihihihihihihihihi..... ahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!! sino nga ulit yung dinosaur na yun?!
13. OI!!!! katanggap tanggap naman ang dinosaur na yun a! sya nga lang ang ka-crush crush na dinosaur e!!!
14. mas katanggap-tanggap yung dinosaur sa movie na dinosaur...
15. @#$%^*&^%&^#@#@@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
16. Uuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyyyy!!!! si little foot!!!! cute si little foot!!! crush ko si little foot!!!
17. goodness...
18. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! AHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19. bakit? si little foot, cute naman si little foot a! si little foot, crush ko si little foot!!! oo! cute si little foot! little foot! little foot! little foot!!!
20. excuse lang, nasusuka ako....... urwaauoouyuck!

adios!!!

2002-10-18T04:21:00.000-07:00
bonjour!!!
HAPPENINGS
ap... we had another frigging test on supply-demand. it was much easier today. she was kind of nice, especially nice, actually... and everytime she went over to me, i could smell her irritating perfume... as samantha said, flower flower...
research...i talked to ma'am vida about alli's defense. she said it was okay... she said she was not at all impressed, but it was okay. goodness, i know alli did her best, considering she only read about it for 24 hours. Ma'am vida asked me in a disturbing way if any of my other groupmates had any real ideas at all about my project... um, i mean, our project...
filipino... she never came.
chemistry... quite okay... i wasn't even that annoyed today. goodness, i'm beggining to know more about chem than physics...
math... the test was freaking hard... hard in a way that it truly annoyed me... after the test i felt so damn drained... i only answered one out of the two possible answers in 8. i answered all the rest.
aftermath... i slept a little, but not so much. then i ate lunch... a single hotdog sandwich. then, i shined?!? my buckle and played cards with sassy, helga and brent...
english... sucked.
CAT... SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aftercat... was okay... i met with my annoying younger brother daryl, went with helga to mrt (we didn't pay the bus fare from the overpass to mrt)... and now i'm here... in my dad's office... eating my boredom away...
no EXPLAIN portion today, i'm not really pissed or anything...
adieu!!!

2002-10-17T03:26:00.000-07:00
Okay… hello humans! *NOTE: non-humans not allowed to read this blog*
HAPPENINGS
ap… we had a test today on freaking supply… crap. I think I did good, not well, but good. I had a few answers… that’s good, right? I only left one part uncertain…
research… tc went to… where else? The canteen! I didin’t eat, though… I just sat there, reading el fili which I never finished. Damn, I hate that subject!
filipino… she was late again, as usual. She said we should start doing two chapters a day… we could hardly finish one! Urgh…
chem… chem was fine… I found our activity so damn easy… I don’t get it, though… squishy was copying from my paper… goodness… if I still had a crush on him I’d say this is the happiest day of my life… crap. Today sort of sucks, you’ll see why.
Math… discussion, groupings. Groupings… syet. helga was right when she said that between her group and ours, we have one weakness. And guess what? Today’s groupings proved that right. Our weakness caused our ‘downfall’… we eventually fell one point from helga’s group.
Aftermath… creative writing was quite hard. We were asked to make sentences with identified figures of speech. Crap. I hate figures of speech. The last part of the activity was fun, though… we were asked to write our favorite line from our readings and our watchings (aggording to tottie… guess what I put in mine? Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn (coincidentally, I’m listening to Tara’s Theme – the theme from gone with the wind – right now)…
We ate lunch, then we went to the 2nd year area to get something from mr. Sangel… we weren’t able to… or were we? I’m not so sure… we went up, brushed our teeth – I threw up again – and washed our faces… then went vack t the room for some card playing. Then, we were stopped when mrs lomibao entered the room.
Pehm… Los Bailes de Ayer… junjun was/is my partner… dance dance dance… a moron was so dam noisy during that time, but what the heck… tha brainless moron can’t shut his mouth – which in fact, I bigger than his balls or his brains – at all.
English… HA! Aaargh… we had a sort-of quiz, and someone near my spot checked my paper. When I got it back, it read: CORRECTED BY: SQUISHY BANANA. I freaked out! Who the hell did this?! Not that I’m so affected but I swear! I wanted to know who did that, if I told him about squishy or not… felix said it was brent. I asked them all – aides, marius (whom I have yet another story), felix, brent… no one admitted… I was freakin out… I threw my banana fan at brent. It was supposed to hit his chest, but it hit his head. ouch. And he’s sort of mad at me… he kept on repeating the line from our essay, The other (factor) of friendship is tenderness… aides eventually admitted that he did it. And you know what? Instead of helping me ease brent’s pain, he started conspiring with him!!! That… that… that… AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going home… I went with tottie and dit… we went to red ribbon, tottie bought pandesal – one of the rather few human foods she can eat. I bought a large rootbeer.

EXPLAIN!!!!
okay… aftermath… I went over to creative and when I got back, tc mascot naneng was lying on the banig, sleeping, as usual. The creature lying beside her, however, was the one that made me…. AAARGH! Marius was lying there, on our banig, sleeping on MY SQUISHY PILLOW!!! He’s the third creature to be FC enough to use my pillow… without asking permission!!! When s saw me, she asked me to stay calm, for her… what can I do… I WAS NOT ABLE TO SLEEP THIS AFTERNOON BECAUSE OF HIM!!! during english, he eventually borrowed it again.

The blog under this was for yesterday, I forgot I wasn’t able to put it online.
Adieu!

2002-10-17T02:35:00.000-07:00
buenas diaz!!!
HAPPENINGS
econ... syet. medyo gets ko siya na hindi, gets nyo? hirap akong maintindihan si ma'am...
research... syet. i wasn't able to defend today because they said that if i defend now, i won't be allowed to defend in the final defense. i forced alli to study everything and defend the project herself. it's not as if she can complain... i told mawsy. she couldn't believe it at first, but she eventually got the catch.
pinoy... stupid, as usual.
chem... my dear adviser was late. she tried to get us to go to her during our free time but tropang canteen decided not to. sabi nga ni helga, hindi namin kasalanan na late siya, tapos ngayon kami kukuhanan niya ng free time.
math... i like math. parabolas are a breeze... we had a test, i actually got 10. amazing.
aftermath... after eating lunch, brushing our teeth, washing our faces and driving the boys out of our banig, we slept... i really slept. last night while waiting for my parents to arrive with the bond paper (i finished the research paper last night) i said i'd watch one cd of Gone With The Wind lent to me by tottie... after the first cd i found myself yearning for the next, and the next... after the third cd, i have seen the most traumatic experiences that can pass by one's life. DAMN!!! first three cds palang puro sad and bad crap na. i put the fourth and last cd in, hoping for a brighter future for the characters. i watched it, and all i can say is... Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn... CRAAAAAAPPPPP!!!!! BWISET!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!! it's too damn depressing!!!
don't get me wrong, the movie was frigging great... a genuine classic, truly deserving of all the awards the got waaaaay back in 1939... but damn!!! i wasn't ready for that kind of ending!!!! watch the damn movie, all of you!!!
about the actors/actresses: the two girls with the lead parts were pretty, especially Vivien Leigh (playing Scarlett O'Hara)... about Clark Gable (playing Rhett Buttler)... i thought they said he was the most desired man during his time? well... at first when i saw him, i was actually disgusting... but as the movie and the plot unfolded, i eventually found some appeal from the guy... truth is, he's actually kinda sexy, i guess... WATCHITWATCHITWATCHITWATCHITWATCHIT!!!
after aftermath... i woke up to hear mrs torrejos' voice. i was lying on the side of the banig closest to the center of the front area. shit. mrs torrejos was standing there, in the middle of the front area, telling us to arrange the chairs, etc... kahiya!!!
paige got so pissed at dino kanina... i think it was because of the moronic crap coming out of dino's mouth, oh well... i can still stand the little ass hole, but his dumbass idiotic ways apparently piss paige off... paige dear... ganyan talaga ang mga tao na may malaking synapses sa brain... pagtyagaan mo na lang...
when i got home i caught the last few scenes of the cartoon version of the king and i on HBO... what is it with petticoats? i feel that i am being haunted by petticoats... one day, i'll wear one myself. as in a really big petticoat... maybe on my wedding... no, hopefully on tottie's wedding... mwahahaha...
on my way home i heard the song deep... syet... additional depressants...
EXPLAIN
why is it that everytime pinapalitan ko case ni squishy (the pillow) someone i don't like or someone who's not close to me hugs it?! last time, wag na. kanina, Aaaargh!!!
why the hell was i on the verge of crying again earlier?!
why am i typing such a friggin long entry?
CRAP. emotional day.

2002-10-14T04:33:00.000-07:00
Good day humans!
ANNOUNCEMENTS
di ko na crush si squishy! Wala akong bagong crush, pero may isang tao na nagbabalikbalik sa aking alaala… syet. Tagal na kami di nagkikita, but all of a sudden it’s him, him, HIM!!! Suddenly I can’t wait to see him again.
I exploded today at 5:15 pm!!! As in, napaiyak na ako! And no, mga hinayupak na nagiisip, walang kinalaman sa lovelife na nonexisting naman talaga. More like… a summation of anger, hatred and irritation, ignited by a spark that is my little brother. Mababaw ang dahilan, actually. He used the VCR to watch some tape he’s watched a million times during the time when the VCR was supposed to tape Ayashi no Ceres. AAARGH!!! I told you it was mababaw.
Goodness… I can’t get over that guy! I mean, I really can’t wait to see him again! I will, maybe next week, but damn!!! Why can’t it be right now?!? if I had enough load, I’d text him and make-kulit everyday!!! Aaargh… Helga knows who the guy is… she forced me to tell her while we were having lunch today. TC knows too, but I sicerely doubt if they really understand it. Only three people are confirmed to believe me, THREE!!! Bahala kayo, believe what you must.

Yesterday, dearest and I went to the La Naval procession. She’s been going there since she was three years old. I, on the other hand, just started with the procession this year. Yeah, I know… I graduated from angelicum without ever going to the novena and/or procession. If it’s any consolation, I’ve watched it the past few years from a place near lola’s house. It was yet another bonding affair between me and dearest, since we have very few lately… (since sept… actually, exactly one month ago na…)

Rach’s sick… I miss her… come to think of it, I miss a lot of people… I must initiate quality time with them again.

Last na lang: The world is ending!!! HELGA was listening to WESTLIFE yesterday!!! dakilang joke time ba yun?!?

Later!

2002-10-12T18:44:00.000-07:00
PORTENTS
Jessica Zafra

Positive, she said cheerily, as if I shouldn’t go out and hang myself this instant. I held on to the phone for a long time; I was sure that if I let go I would fall down. The coffee turned to mud in my mouth—I ran to the sink and heaved. Congratulations, it’s a fetus. You frigging idiot.

Afterwards I sat at the kitchen table and tried to make sense of the stuff swirling around in my head. Visions of blood and umbilical cords and feeding bottles whirled before my eyes like malevolent frisbees. The newspaper was lying next to the platter of toast; I read the headline about two hundred times. “May use poison gas, Iraq warns.” Next to it a picture of a dead Kurdish woman clutching the body of her dead child. Mother. Child. I felt like throwing up all over again. I imagined a creature ripping out of my stomach in a gory mess, like the monster in Alien.

There was a Post-it note on the mirror: “Lunch with Lawrence, 12:30,” Lawrence being a fifty-fifty candidate for the father. I painted a face on and stared at the mirror. I saw my belly swelling up, my clothes rising like a circus tent, and all I could think about was the ten pounds I’d just lost, and the new dress I bought to mark the occasion. Finally I got my new dress out of the closet and put it on while it still fit.

In the elevator my next-door neighbor smiled and said Good morning. She had this sort of knowing smile, and I found myself wondering if she knew about me. I wasn’t just being paranoid; this is Manila, the neighbors know everything. They are extremely sympathetic, and if you let them they will take over your life. It turned out she was just trying to sell me a watch. Her husband had managed to get out of Kuwait by driving across the desert, and when he got home the banks refused to change his Kuwaiti dinars. That’s why she was selling his watches. I felt kind of sorry for Mrs. Santos, setting out with her imitation Gucci handbag and several dozen gold bracelets to sell her husband’s watches. Or was it Mrs. San Juan, I can never remember.

A nervous breakdown would’ve been in order, or a fit of tears and keening, the kind that comes with a runny nose and smeared mascara. But I’ve never been one for hysterics. Thanks to my parents, by the time I was eight, the sight of a chair being hurled across the room was no longer cause for alarm. Maybe there is something to be said for a lousy home life. Ramon says my emotional range is limited to rage, guilt, and occasional hilarity. He neglected to mention blanknesss—there are times when I just don’t feel anything.

Ramon also claims he can read my thoughts by looking at me—he says I’m transparent. I hope so; it’s embarrassing to tell somebody there’s a fifty per cent chance that he may be a father in several months.

By the time it occurred to me to catch a ride I was halfway to my office and decided to walk the rest of the way. I was swallowed up by the crowd of people hurrying to work; rising above the din of traffic, their footfalls sounded like the marching of a distant army.

In front of the church where rosaries and good-luck charms were sold under the baleful stare of the Archangel Michael’s statue, a strange figure appeared on my right; a filthy man with long, matted hair. A tattered bag was slung across his bare chest, upon which his ribs protruded like spikes. A thick layer of soot covered his emaciated body—he looked like a walking pile of ashes. He started speaking to me in urgent tones, as if he were revealing important secrets, and there was a crazy glint in his eyes. I understood nothing. He was speaking either in dialect of in gibberish, I couldn’t tell, I looked on stupidly. People stared, expecting perhaps that he would produce a cleaver and hack me to death. The man went on with his weird recitation; why he chose me I had no idea, maybe he could see past the designer clothes into my dark and grimy soul. After a while he frowned like a teacher who had just given up on a particularly moronic student. Then he wheeled and dashed into the church, stopping a moment to rub with his filthy hand the scowling face of the Archangel Michael.

Through the glass I could see the cashier, Wilma, on the telephone, spewing vile words like poisoned toads into the receiver. She was screaming at some poor bastard who owed her money. Across from me, Pocholo, in his pink shirt and red paisley necktie, sat flipping through the morning papers.

“It’s exactly as Nostradamus said,” Pocholo said. “He predicted earthquakes signaling the end of the world, and we had that big one last month. Then he said a leader from the Middle East would launch a world war. I thought it would be Khadaffi but no, it’s Saddam Hussein.

“Sure,” I said. I watched Wilma slam the phone so hard it fell to the floor. Cursing mightily, she stopped to pick it up. On this particular day she was clad in polyester cloth abloom with pink and purple flowers, which made her look like a demented sofa.

“Anyway,” Pocholo continued, “my aunts say they saw this vision in Taal.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “They saw a horseman in the sky.”

“A what?”

“A man on a horse. Riding across the sky. A hundred schoolchildren saw it. According to my aunt it looked like the statue of St. Martin that stands in their church.”

“St. Martin on a horse?” I said. “Maybe it was St. George or Joan of Arc. I don’t think St. Martin rode a horse.”

“No, stupid,” he said. “You’re thinking of St. Martin de Porres. We’re elating about St. Martin of Tours. And you know what? My aunt says they saw the same vision just before World War II. Then the Japanese arrived.” He ran his fingers through his artfully moussed and tousled hair. “Oh my God, what if it’s really the end. I mean, I don’t even have a kid yet.”

I looked away so he wouldn’t see me grimace, and was just in time to see Wilma spitting into her wastebasket.

All morning I wondered whether I should ask Wilma for her abortionist’s address. She would give the address, I knew, even accompany me to the place. Probably some decrepit wooden house in the fetid alleys of Tondo, where the gangs hunted each other down with homemade revolvers. Wilma hid nothing, she wore her brazen honesty like a soiled and rusty halo. She had had four abortions, she told me casually while I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom; the washerwoman down her street performed the operation, she owed Wilma money. I imagine Wilma’s insides, as torn and bloody as a battlefield. She said she’d regretted her last abortion: it was a girl, she’s always wanted a baby girl. She put the fetus in a jar of formalin and kept it in the drawer where her wedding dress, which had outlasted her marriage, lay yellowing among mothballs and dead flowers.

The others she’d flushed down the toilet.

Lawrence ate his lunch the way he lived his life: very carefully, as if he would choke on it. Everything about him was resoundingly correct, from his hair to his Italian shoes, from the schools he’d attended to the fashionable gym where he wrestled with machines three times a week. I knew that as he read the menu he was figuring out how much cholesterol, how much sodium and fat were in the entrees.

“It’s going to be bad,” he was saying. “By next year the official exchange rate could be 28 pesos to the dollar. That’s a conservative projection. We haven’t considered oil prices and the damage from the earthquake.” Daintily, he chewed on his vegetable. “Inflation will go through the roof,” he added, almost with relish.

While he delivered his analysis of the economy, I twirled the noodles around my fork but I hardly ate anything. No appetite. Idly, I wondered if Lawrence was sleeping with someone else. One of the girls from his office, someone tall and svelte who worked in PR, shopped in Hong Kong, and wore linen suits with tiny skirts. I concluded that he wasn’t—I had no illusions about his undying love and fidelity, but I trusted his fear of AIDS.

“Am I boring you?” he said at last. Mr. Sensitive. He put his hand on my knee—maybe he expected me to salivate like one of Pavlov’s dogs. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know we haven’t seen each other much lately, but it’s been hell at the office.” Without missing a beat he slid his hand up my skirt. Boy, he was smooth, no one would’ve suspected that the earnest-looking young man in the pinstripe shirt could be doing something as ignoble as giving a girl a feel in a restaurant. “That guy from the head office is a major asshole. Goes around trying to catch people loafing. The office feels like a...”

Abruptly he withdrew his hand and stood up. A large, red-nosed white man in an ill-fitting brown suit was approaching our table.

“Mr. Fowler,” said Lawrence.

“Alvarado,” said the man, shaking the hand Lawrence extended.

“How was the beach?” Lawrence said. I had to restrain myself from calling the waiter and asking for a receptacle I could puke into.

“Fine,” said Fowler, “Well. Enjoy your meal.”

“Is that the asshole from the main office?” I said.

“Sssh,” Lawrence hissed. “He might hear you.”

“Let him.” I reached over with my fork and speared food off his plate. He hated it whenever I did that. Lawrence had a very definite concept of “mine.” For instance, all his books were stamped “Private Library of Lawrence R. Alvarado.” The strange thing was, he didn’t even read his books. They were lined up according to height on his antique bookshelf, neatly covered in plastic. One time I took a book out of the shelf, and it had been there unopened for so long the pages stuck together.

“Anyway,” Lawrence said, “where were we?”

“You mean until your sahib came along?”

“What’s the matter with you?” he said. Funny he should use the exact same words he said coming up to me at Diday’s birthday party while I stood in a corner holding my breath to get rid of my hiccups. He said he was Lawrence and I should breathe into a paper bag, so we went into the kitchen and rummaged in the closets. There weren’t any paper bags, and when he found a plastic shopping bag I didn’t need anymore, my hiccups were gone. He got my name and my telephone number, it was as easy as that.

“Miggy,” he said. Miggy, for Chrissakes. I knew Lawrence wasn’t going to follow me, he hated scenes—and I walked out of the restaurant, it was as easy as that.

I wandered around the mall for a while. I went into stores and looked at things. There was this outfit that looked like our uniform at the Academy of Our Lady’s Seven Sorrows—white blouse, blue necktie, and a navy-blue skirt—only the skirt was too short. At Seven Sorrows, skirts had to cover the entire knee area. If your knees were exposed the nuns would give you a lecture on modesty. There was no spanking—the nuns were an enlightened bunch—but after fifteen minutes of having guilt laid thickly on you, you’d wish they’d give you ten lashes instead and get it over with.Corporal punishment would simplify everything. For sleeping with a guy you weren’t married to, you’d get, say, five hundred lashes. For sleeping with two guys, neither of whom you were married to, one thousand lashes. For even thinking about abortion, ten thousand lashes. And I’d been such a good girl too, until recently, anyway, so I’d probably get five hundred extra lashes for being such a disappointment.I made a mental list of the reasons for and against having this baby. Pro: This child would be mine, really truly mine, which couldn’t be said of a lot of things. Pro: Maybe I’ll turn out to be a genius who will invent something beneficial to mankind, like a device that would cause world leaders to self-destruct if they got the urge to wage war.Anti: I’m not sure I’d be such a hot parent. I have serious deficiencies in the responsibility department, as the credit card people will attest. Anti: The lack of a husband, the resulting social stigma, and if not that, my own paranoia. I would drive myself crazy wondering if someone was going to cast stones at me. Anti: my mother would freak. She’s in California, running a Filipino restaurant, and she’s always going on about the decline of traditional Filipino values. I don’t think she would appreciate having me prove her theories. I can just see her talking to my father, blaming him for dying young and leaving her to raise his daughter to adulthood (I was always “his daughter” everytime I screwed up).When I got back to the office people were scurrying about like newly-beheaded chickens.“What’s going on?” I asked Pocholo. He was alternately squirting his asthma medication into his mouth with an inhaler and stuffing folders into his briefcase.“There’s going to be a big earthquake at 2:30,” he said, only there were no pauses between his words.“Says who?” I demanded.“It was on the radio,” he said. He snapped his briefcase shut. People were running into elevators. Wilma let loose a steady stream of obscenities while she stuffed into shopping bags the fake Benetton shirts she sold on installment.“That’s crazy,” I said. “You can’t predict exactly when an earthquake will happen.”"It was on the radio,” Pocholo repeated, as if media coverage were an infallible confirmation of truth. “2:30. Powerful earthquake, intensity nine.”“Well, I’m not leaving,” I declared. “I’m not going to fall for an idiotic prank.”“This building could collapse!” he screeched. “Like the Hyatt Terraces!”“You can’t predict an earthquake exactly.”“What if there is one? Be reasonable!”Reasonable! I nearly laughed at that. Pocholo gave up, gathered his briefcase and inhaler, and ran to the elevator.“Come on,” said Wilma, “It’s almost time.”“It’s a prank,” I said. “I’m not leaving.”“They’re closing the building,” she said. “Everyone’s getting out. Do you want to get locked in?”She had a point. I got my bag—I could use the afternoon off, anyway.I figured I’d go home and get some sleep; maybe when I woke up this whole thing would turn out to be a bad dream like the one that killed my Uncle Danding. One night he ate too much rice and stewed pork, then went to bed and started screaming horribly in his sleep. They slapped him, poured cold water on him, pounded and bit him, but he never woke up. He died uttering strange garbled noises. The official cause of death was cardiac arrest, but everyone said it was bangungot, the sleeping sickness.It did seem like a dream, the crowd of people gathered at the parking lot and looking at the building, waiting for the swaying to start. Idiots, I muttered, as I flagged down a taxi.“Where to?” the driver snarled.“Salcedo,” I said.“Too near,” he snapped, zooming off before I could get in the cab. Taxi drivers! This was not a great moment for humanity: everyone was being an idiot or an asshole.All the taxis were taken, and the buses were so full people were sprouting out the windows. I could see the passengers crammed together like fillings in an enormous sandwich, bumping and rubbing against each other with every lurch of the bus. Maybe if something asks who my kid’s father is, I could say I took a really crowded bus and got knocked up.By the time I got back to my apartment my feet were throbbing. A menu from a pizza parlor that delivered had been shoved under my door; reading it I had a sudden wild craving for anchovy pizza. Pregnant women are supposed to have these wild cravings, but I was slightly worried. I’ve heard old people say that what you crave during pregnancy determines how your child will turn out. For instance, if you crave guavas, your child will be stubborn. My friend claims her clumsiness was caused by her mother’s fondness for noodles. And singkamas is supposed to produce fair-complexioned children, no matter how dark their parents are. I thought, if I ate a lot of anchovies, would my child have scaly skin, or look like a fish?I phoned the pizza place anyway, and when I put the phone down it rang. “Hi,” said Ramon.“How did you know I was home?” I said.“You’re always home on Sunday.”“It’s Monday.”“Oh. Are you going out tonight?” he said. “Can I come over?”“Okay.”When I hung up I noticed how quiet the building was. No radios blaring, no TV, no brats squalling down the hall. For a second I wondered if there really was an earthquake. The last time, when the tremors started there was a stunned silence. The phones stopped ringing, the printers stopped whirring, conversations paused in mid-sentence; everyone sat gripping their desks, their eyes wide open and their mouths shaped into O’s. Then people dove under tables and Wilma was saying “OhGodOhGodOhGod” and there was a loud wailing in the air. When the tremors stopped I heard Pocholo’s radio, and the B-52s were singing, “Cosmic! Cosmic!”I switched the TV on. There was this soap opera about a little girl whom everyone maltreated. The actress was played by a little girl was so good at being a martyr, it was as if she had a sign on her forehead that said, “Kick me.” The soap was interrupted by a news broadcast: 262 more Filipinos had fled Kuwait. A middle-aged woman told a reporter she had been raped by Iraqi soldiers. Why should I be ashamed, she said, I didn’t want it to happen. It was amazing how casual she was. How could she be so cool? War could break out any second, and that madman could use chemical weapons. I thought of worldwide recession, rioting for food, and pictures I had seen of Hiroshima after that blast.Maybe Pocholo and his aunt were right, the world was coming to an end. What a lousy time it was to be born, with madmen waiting to gas you or blow you away, and the earth opening up to swallow you. On the other hand, with everything going against you, you didn’t need your own mother plotting to get rid of you.Ramon came in at six. His hair looked like he’d cut it himself, which he often did. He brought a take-out box of friend noodles and a videotape of Road Runner cartoons. I heated the pizza leftovers and he ate them on the card table on the terrace.He looked exhausted. “I stayed up late filling out the forms for my grant,” he explained, rubbing his eyes.“I had a weird day,” I said. I told him about the street crazy in front of the church, and his strange message.He rubbed a spot of sauce off my chin with his thumb. “Maybe it was an obscene proposal. Or maybe he was speaking Aramaic. Repent or else.”“My officemate says the world is ending,” I said.He ate the last crumb of pizza. “Maybe.”“Doesn’t it worry you?”“It’s not like I can do anything about it. If it’s true. What’s scary is being the last person on earth,” Ramon said. "Everyone else is dead, and you wander around the rubble and slowly realize you’re alone.”“God,” I said. “What would you do?”“Keep looking for another survivor. Try to go crazy,” he reached over and picked a noodle from my plate. “We’re being morbid tonight.”“I can’t help it,” I said. “All this talk about war.”It started to rain, so we got up and went inside. As I closed the door to the terrace I thought I saw something in the sky—a man on a black horse, riding through the rain.“You want some coffee?” Ramon called from the kitchen.“Yes, please,” I said. My knees were wobbly, I had to sit down. You’re seeing things, I told myself. Pregnant women do it all the time, it’s hormones or something.“What’s wrong?” said Ramon.“Nothing,” I said, and in the pit of my stomach I felt a little kick.

2002-10-11T22:22:00.000-07:00
Blindin’

Damn old hot sun’s blindin mine eyes, I’m a-bakin’ out here! I oughta be inside, feedin’ on my momma’s cookin’… I wanna go home now!

It ain’t fair bein’ an ol’ farm girl, folks are a-callin’ me animal! I ain’t no animal! I’m a girl, one of ‘em pretty girls, born for all ye rich and pleasin’ things ‘em city folks are gettin’! I ain’t meant for sowin’ dirty lands an’ pickin’ up all ‘em cow trash, I’m meant for ‘em pretty dresses an’ pretty shoes. I really wanna go to ‘em fancy dorm’try, for ‘em rich and clean city girls. My momma tells me I’m a-good ‘nough for ‘em all fancy learnin’. My momma says I’m smart, and none of ‘em city girls ‘re half as smart. I think I’m real smart. I reckon I could be rich, I told my momma that I promise to get rich an’ take her outta this dumpster. I knew my momma wants that too, even if she don’t admit it. She’d just smile a’me but I knowed she’s happy…

I told my daddy I wanna go to ‘em dorm’try, but he just burst’n damn laughin’! my daddy dais I ain’t got no other place than ‘em farms. He said I oughtta quit day dreamin’ an’ start sowin’. He said I ain’t good ‘nough for ‘em fancy dorm’tries, said I’s dumb. I got mad at ‘im. He ain’t right callin’ me dumb! I ain’t the one in debt and sowin’ fields for survivin’… I shouted a’ my daddy’s face an’ called ‘im dumb. My daddy hit me hard an’ I fell on the dirt. My li’l nose’s bloody, an’ my momma cried. I told ‘er no to, but she just kept on cryin’… That day I swore I’d get my momma outta here, an’ I ain’t gonna stop ‘til I do!

A couple’a days ‘go my momma said she got money to send me ‘way to ‘em city dorm’try, but we gotta keep’t from my daddy. My momma said one o’ ‘em city busses’s gonna come by next week, and I’m gonna ride it to the city. My momma said I’s gonna be free at last, free from my daddy, an’ free from ol’ Mister Bornolius.

Mister Bornolius’s an ol’ rich man my daddy knowed. My daddy needed money to pay for ‘is ol’ debt in ‘em town bank, so my daddy ask’d money from ‘im. Mister Bornolius gave my daddy the money but said my daddy ought to give me for a wife. My momma don’t want to, but my daddy ‘lready made a deal. Bornolius’ gotta wait ‘til I’s 14, then I’s gonna be ‘is wife. I don’t wanna be ‘is wife, he’s damn ol’er than my daddy! In two weeks I’ll gonna be 14, an’ I gotta be Borno’s wife. I damn hope I get on that city bus, I oughtta save me self!

Ol’s sun’s getting’ better, I reckon mine eyes’re goin’ blind. I can hear ‘em crickets behind me, an’ I think I can hear ‘em garden snakes. I reckon I ought to stand up an’ do my chores, but I don’t wanna. I’ll just wait for a li’l while, ‘til ‘em ol’ sun goes down a li’l…

Red Banana
8-15-02
Thursday

2002-10-09T05:29:00.000-07:00
hey there... maybe i can get my one of my creative stuff published tonight... wait for it!!!

2002-10-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

What is your mental profile?
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2002-10-08T11:23:00.000-07:00
Urgh…

I am so not a touchy person when it comes to those FC people. But I really don’t get this: the FC-ier they get, the more entitled they feel to touch me… HELLO?!?! Close ba tayo?!

Okay… for all those FC people out there, please just answer me: WHY THE HELL DO YOU FEEL THE URGE TO HUG/KISS/TOUCH IN ANY WAY THE PEOPLE YOU JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW?!?!

I really don’t get it, some people just don’t have the IQ to understand that some people get irritated by certain touches!!! For example, I for one hate being caressed in any way. I have bitten people close to me (including my mother) because of caressing my hand/arm… What I really don’t get is why people tend to do it more often after they’ve found out how irritated you get. HELLO?!? There’s this thing called IQ that normal humans possess… It’s supposed to be a measure of how much you can understand.

There are special cases with these irritating touches… like me again. I can allow people to hug/hold my hand/touch but not caress me as long as they are people I know, trust and feel comfortable with. That means, those people in my class who apparently have rather bad sense of sight who call me Jessica Zafra have absolutely NO RIGHT to touch me in any way. I despise fingertips, hands or anything that belong to FC people that come in contact with any part of my skin. And since I’m a big person and I’ve got lots of skin, these people must avoid a big part of the earth.

Anyway, I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it’s the rain… how I wish classes would be suspended tomorrow… you know… wish ko lang…

2002-10-08T11:22:00.000-07:00
Aaaahhhh… My own blog…

This is a site that will yeild all my crappy crap crap… you know, I hate crap and I love crap and I want crap and I need crap and let’s just kill crap…

I actually have a joint blog with the local helga g pataki… http://insaneminds.blogspot.com It’s much less expressive in terms of me… mwahahahahaha…

I do like anime, but I’m not as obsessed as helga is… squishy squishy squishy squishy squishy!!!

Terms:

1. Squishy Banana – my source of happiness (?!?), my “inspiration”(?!?), my cause of joy (?!?) CRAP!!! Crush ko lang.
2. Banana – started as an expression that replaced “wala lang” last summer. I found the word easy and fun to say. Banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana…
3. FC – feeling close
4. TF – true friend
5. TC – tropang canteen

That’s all for today… next time ulit…